Beautiful Things Await You...

This was my husband's fortune today from our Chinese food.

He walked over to me, told me to keep it and then said "notice it says THINGS."

The fortune is now taped on the photo of our embryos.

I love my husband, he can always make me smile... :)

Happy Friday everyone.

Let Me Introduce You to the Face of Infertility

This is what it looked like. This is what it looked like Sunday after our 'Non-dividing Embryo Call'. This is what happened to me after a day of screaming and crying. I've never lost it like I did Sunday. I look like someone beat the shit out of me. In reality, what you see are all of the broken blood vessels.

I took this photo and choose to share it because I've never been so devastated. This is what infertility did to me. Only after it took part of my soul, made me feel broken and empty. I've spent the last 4 years with a smile on my face, breaking down only a few times, when the occasional friend or family member announces yet another pregnancy. I've tried to maintain an upbeat attitude and positive outlook on our situation. Sunday was the breaking point.

On the brighter side, I no longer look like someone who ran into a couple fists. Monday was a much better day on the embryo front. Our transfer went well and I've been taking it easy since.

I know that most of my readers are fellow infertiles. But those that aren't have a hard time putting a face to infertility, so I'm doing it for them. For those that think it is selfish to put so much time and effort into having a child and not utilizing adoption or another route, don't understand the heartache one feels when your body doesn't work like it should. I have yet to meet someone with those opinions who DOESN'T have a child of their own. It's easy to judge when you can't relate.

I also want to point out that the average cost of a domestic adoption ranges between $20,000-$25,000. The average cost of an international adoption ranges between $25,000-$45,000. With both options taking anywhere up to 2 years and beyond to complete. I just wanted to throw out those numbers for those that THINK adoption is a better/easier option. I'm not knocking adoption, I'm all for it. But, I just wanted to show that it's also a very financially strapping option. None of this is easy. Whether you are continuing with fertility treatments, trying to adopt an embryo, trying to use donor sperm, or trying to adopt a baby, we all have a face. We all deserve our dream. No matter what option that is.

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Just another note about Domestic Adoptions: Nearly 50% of all domestic adoptions never go through. The couple or mother decides before giving birth that they/she aren't going to be placing the child any longer... Imagine that one. You are chosen to have someone give you their baby and you prepare for it all to have it yanked out from under you.

Do You Believe in Miarcles?

Sunday was the worst day of our lives. To find out that we had been through so much and that our embryos stopped dividing was the most horrific news we could have possible imagined. I got physically ill. I tend to have that reaction when someone close to me dies. Which is exactly what we felt happened.

I had said long ago that if this IVF didn't work out that we were going to be a on long break from medicated cycles and take a trip of a lifetime. We decided that a Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece would be just what we wanted to do. It's been a year and a half straight of fertility treatments and it's just so overwhelming that we know a break will be good for us.

I left my cell phone on Rick's nightstand told him it was his responsibility to answer the phone when it rang. I just didn't want to hear those words again from Dr. Ying. The heartbreaking words I had heard Sunday. Rick and I discussed that we just wanted a chance to have our transfer. That prayer was answered Monday morning when we found out that 2 of our babies woke up and decided to grow.

It is a miracle in its own right. Is this the miracle that we've so desperately worked for? We won't know for another week and a half. We can only sit back and pray that this roller coaster is one with a happy ending. Here's to our miracles.... may they florish and prosper... Mommy's waiting... :)

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

Well our journey again has hit EPIC roller coaster proportions... We received a phone call at 7:15 this morning (I made Rick answer the phone). I just kept hearing him say, "OK"... "so 2" "OK, so what does that mean?"... etc. I get out of the bathroom and he goes "we need to get dressed and head down there... 2 of our eggs split."

WTF?!?

Our eggs aren't the best seeing as one is only 2 cells and the other is only 3 when they should be at least 4. BUT, the big news is that they are trying to do something. Our RE thinks that they might thrive better in their "natural environment". So here's hoping that they like my uterus better than the dish!

My mom wanted to remind me of how lazy I was in the womb being 3.5 weeks late and how lazy I was as a kid... Maybe there is something to it...

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I'm a big believer in signs... These have been our signs since they retrieval... Neat huh?

* ER was 7/24/09... My favorite/lucky number is 24
* Transfer was 7/27/09... Rick's birthday is the 27th
* Mary Ann was my pre-op/post -op nurse... Marianne is my MIL
* My OR nurse was Kathy... Kathy is my BFF
* Our Beta is scheduled for 8/7/09... If you add 8+7+9 you get 24

We shall see... Right now... Just sitting back relaxing and watching movies with the hubs...

OH!

Here is Rick in his scrubs with our kokopelli and photos of our babies...

Crash and Burn

Today our dreams were crushed. None of our embryos divided.

Apparently, there is still a small bit of hope. But not much.

Our hearts are broken. Today our journey ended without even a chance.

Not sure for how long. But a long while.

Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and good thoughts.

I'm just sorry we don't have better news.

Day After Retrieval

We got one of the most nerve wracking phone calls around 9:31am from our Embryologist. He informed us that out of the 5 eggs that were retrieved, 4 were mature and 4 fertilized.


YES!!!

What a relief that was... But now... several hurdles down... a mile more to go! Tomorrow we should hear out of the 4 how many divided. Hopefully all 4 divided. That would be the best blessing.

As of this morning... this is what our babies looked like... Cute little one celled zygotes.

The waiting for tomorrows phone call will be sheer torture.

Please God, protect our babies... let them thrive and grow!!

Whatever It Is

My husband sent me the most romantic song the other day. He's not the kinda guy that spills his feelings in conventional ways. Of course he tells me how much he loves me, frequently. But he's just not the most romantic at times... Listening to this song brings tears to my eyes... It's perfection...

I've not ever hear of the Zac Brown Band, but I think I love them...




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ETA: WE JUST GOT AN UPDATE FROM OUR EMBRYOLOGIST.... WE HAVE 4 BABIES RIGHT NOW!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED! SENDING A TON OF PRAYERS TO THEM THAT GOD WILL LET THEM SURVIVE AND THRIVE. WE ARE SO BLESSED...

It's Been a Day

The day started at 4:30am. We got up, got dressed and drug our asses to the hospital for our retreival. We got to the hospital at our scheduled time of 5:30 and we were brought back to the pre-op room rather quickly. After changing from my street clothes into my gown, they started prepping me. I tend to get quirky before any sort of 'surgical' prcedure. So I proceded to crack jokes. Joke. Joke. Joke. I had the majority of the staff in stitches. It's my defense mechanisim when I get nervous.

Around 7 am, Dr. P walked in looking snazzy. Apparently he was so exhausted he forgot half of his access credentials . It was kinda funny. They wheeled me into the OR and pretty soon I was out. I don't even remember it.

HOWEVER....

I was abruptly made aware that a needle was being jabbed through my uterus at the very beginning. I was so out of it I couldn't open my eyes, but I felt and heard everything they did and said. It wasn't painful because I was out of it, but it was uncomfortable. I attribute this to the fact that my family has a pretty high tolerance for anesthetics.

They ended up with 5 eggs out of 7 follicles. We are happy with 5. We hoped for more, but beggars can't be choosers. Right now, we are on pins and needles for tomorrow morning in order to find out the status of our potential babies... If all goes well, our transfer will be Monday morning...

Please God, protect our babies...

Oh Shit...

... and so it begins...

The worrying has set in...

Now that I have triggered...

We've got...

*** Will I spontaneously ovulate???

Then after that comes...

*** How many eggs will actually be retrieved???

Then...

*** Will the quality of the eggs will be good enough???

*** Will they fertilize???

*** Will the keep growing???

*** How many will there be to transfer???

*** How many will we be able to freeze???

We will find out tomorrow... Must be at the hospital at 05:30AM... Going nighty night...

The Winds of Change

Holy Shit...

These are the only words that keep going through my mind. I seriously cannot believe it. This cycle has been such a roller coaster. It's hard to even put it into the right words. We had our follow-up this morning with Dr. P. where we were convinced he would suggest IUI and attempt another cycle of IVF down the line, IF the IUI didn't work. I was probed for about the 100th time in the last 6 months. My lining is still kinda thin, but I'm staying on the Estridol to help.

Once Dr. P. got in there he silently measured each follicle. He then sat back scratched his head and said Wow... and started reading off the sizes of each follicle. I have 5 REALLY big follies and several that are right behind and could catch up. Dr. P. expressed how impressed he was at our turn around. He suggested that we continue with IVF. After thinking about it, Rick and I agreed to that IVF is our best shot. I still can't believe that this is where we are back to. It seemed so improbable Monday and to be here 2 days later scheduled for Egg Retrieval Friday morning and transfer Monday. I know that having 5 follies (22, 20, 19, 17, 16) isn't the greatest of odds, but we're hoping that a few more of the follies (14x2, 12-13x2) will continue to grow until Friday morning and be ripe and ready to be plucked! It's not too much to expect seeing as I had a couple foolies grow 6-8 in just two days... tee hee

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As for jury duty, I did not get picked (luckily!), I did however have to set in a prospective pool of jurors for a Murder 1 trial. It would have been an interesting case had I been picked, but I had to tell the court about our IUI/potential IVF because there would have been nothing I could do to stop it...

Coming to you Live From...

J U R Y D U T Y

(Welcome ICLW'ers! Find out more about me here...)

Yes... I've been called for my civil responsibility directly in the middle of our IVF (now IUI). That's right.... on top of everything going on right now, God thought it would be fun for me to be a part of this while all hopped up on fertility drugs. God forbid I get called to a jury that I have to sit on... Bastards better not piss a girl off... But, the silver lining in all of this is: my step brother and aunt both work for the State Attorney so hopefully if I get called, I will be excused due to this information. Apparently, defense teams don't like people like me...

I'm sitting in the jury room at the moment, watching the introduction video. The room is packed and they are pretty strict, I mean... you can't even bring in a drink or any sort of food. It's already getting hot in here which means it will be a tough day for me. The heat and I do not get along. I get flush and anxious... and add the injects and MAN! Not good...

Barring being called for a Jury... I'll be heading back to RE tomorrow morning for my next and hopefully last b/w and u/s appointment. Hoping that we'll be able to trigger and head back for an IUI in the next couple days. Not only that but I'm pretty sure that I am going to be asking RE for a double IUI. Not sure what they think about it, but I think it could be one of the best things for us...

Anyone have experience with double IUIs???

7 Words No One Wants to Hear

We. Might. Have. To. Cancel. Your. IVF.

WTF?!? These are the words that we heard today. While my RE found 11 follicles which was a large improvement from the 6 on Friday only 2 of them pretty much had any chance of becoming fully mature. RE sat back and explained his frustration with my cycle. He suggested that we convert to an IUI. He admittedly stated that I needed to be on a higher dosage of meds if and when we go attempt another IVF. He knows how upset we are. We've spent so much time and money this cycle not to mention the emotional aspect.

Right now the plan is to stay on the same dose of meds until Wednesday. Go back Wednesday morning for another E2 check and scan and hopefully be able to trigger for another IUI Thursday or Friday. Hoping for Friday to go back that way I can have a nice 3 day weekend.

I spent my day crying. I could barely contain myself . I'm shocked I was able to make it through the day. I know that it might sound over the top and highly dramatic seeing as we aren't totally cancelled for this cycle, but this has officially become the most expensive IUI in history...

100 Useless Pieces of Information... about moi!

I'm extremely bored and was reading through my blog list and ran across this one...This cycle is driving me nuts so I'm going to take a few moments and try to come up with 100 things about myself... This should be quiet a project to do seeing as 25 seems hard... LOL

1. I am an only child
2. DH and I have been TTC for 4 years
3. We have 2 dogs, a Golden Retriever and a Catahoula
4. I can't fall asleep at night unless there is a TV show or movie on that I am VERY familiar with
5. I love to cook and bake
6. I've know my best friend for 15 years but we were never friends until 2002
7. I'm very competitive, I hate to lose, but I frequently do
8. I'm a part time photographer and I wish I could do it full time but the current economy doesn't allow it
9. Chocolate milk is wonderful; I would miss it very much if I couldn't have it any more
10. DH and I have 'shower time' together; not only do we save on our water bills but we have some of our best conversations there
11. I get upset when it rains and I am not at home; there is nothing better to me to curling up on the couch watching to rain
12. My husband is 6'7" and I'm 5'4"; people frequently stare
13. I love to make homemade ice cream
14. We are in the middle of our first IVF and it is by far one of the hardest things we've ever had to do
15. I love to look for new homes even though it will be a while before we can get out of this one...
16. Some of my favorite TV shows are: Friends, Seinfeld, Everyone loves Raymond, 30 Rock, The Office, Family Guy and Sex and the City
17. I have a very hard time staying asleep past 7 am
18. I hope that one day I will be able to travel to Italy, England, Scotland and Ireland to visit my families roots
19. We secretly plan what to do with the millions we are eventually going to win in the Lotto
20. I have a tendency to buy sour cream, shredded cheeses and butter every time I go grocery shopping, whether or not we need it
21. I am addicted to my blackberry; it's shameless
22. I've tried numerous times to go back to school to finish my degree; one day I know I will do it
23. I never knew my biological father; I was adopted by step-dad when I was 2.5; He died in 2007 and I miss him every day
24. When I get nervous I peel my nails
25. My grandparents are a shining example of what marriage should be; they'll be married for 67 years come December and I am so honored that my grandmother compares my marriage to hers
26. My mom is one of the strongest women I know; I can always call her and she know exactly what to say to make it better
27. DH and I have our list of baby names, though we are adding new names frequently
28. I love gadgets and electronics, I just wish I had more
29. I love to watch my husband play video games, I don't know why
30. I'm a huge sports fan, I have a lot of collectibles; we're looking for a Sports Room in our next house
31. I have a ton of nicknames for Quincy, our Golden Retriever; our Catahoula... just a couple
32. We are the last of our friends and families to have children (who are actively trying)
33. I hate to clean; but I do my best cleaning when Rick isn't awake or home
34. Every Saturday and Sunday I have to watch my 'programs' on the Family Channel otherwise my day isn't complete
35. I have a step brother and a step sister
36. I'm a candle whore, I have to have smelly good candles in and around the house
37. I don't regret much in life... except for not reconciling with my father before he died
38. I give the worlds best advice, only problem is people never listen until I get to say "I told you so"
39. I think that my husband is the sexiest man ever, sometimes just thinking about him makes me like a giddy school girl
40. I have a pretty fiery personality, I'm a typical Aries through and through
41. I can watch Back to the Future 1-3 over and over and over and never get tired of them.
42. I own all 10 seasons of Friends and will occasionally sit down and play them starting from episode one all the way through to the end no matter how long it takes
43. I can't leave the house without chap stick, I have the most chronic dry lips known to man
44. I've been to every RE in the general Tampa Bay area and think that I have finally found the right doctors
45. I fell in love with my husband almost instantly
46. I have green eyes; my husband calls them Creamy Jade
47. I love movie quotes, DH and I are constantly spouting them off to one another
48. My head is filled with a ton of useless knowledge
49. We tried out for World Series of Pop Culture a few years ago, we didn't make it because of our third winger
50. I love to give gifts, never good for the pocket book, but always good for my heart
51. I play Fantasy Football with the boys and I beat them
52. I had my heart broken twice about the same guy, then I met my husband, I'm a lucky girl
53. I love the people that I work with but I feel stuck in my job
54. I love to be the hostess, I prefer to sit around good food and conversation at home than at a restaurant or movie
55. Excuse me... time to take my shots...
56. I'm not what most would consider a girlie girl, but I have my moments (ie. bugs, spiders, sappy movies, love, etc.)
57. I love to lead a simple life
58. I have chronic sinus infections, which leads to chronic headaches, which leads to fun...
59. I love coming home and seeing my dogs faces in the window waiting for me
60. My favorites: number = 24, color = green
61. I like my pizza with everything (except anchovies & hot peppers) on it
62. I don't drink
63. I live near the beach but rarely go
64. Some of my favorite movies are: The Wedding Singer, Back to the Future 1-2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Hangover, Romy and Michell's High School Reunion, Sex and the City, Day After Tomorrow
65. I wish that I could host my own cooking show
66. I have a ton of 'green' bags to use for the grocery store and almost always forget to bring them
67. This has become much harder than I initially thought... I'm REALLY reaching!
68. My dogs have BIG barks but are sweet as can be... most of the time!
69. I love planning home improvements but we've decided not to stay in this house so we'll have to curtail that until we get something new
70. I'm an early bird, which means not many late nights for me
71. I love cookbooks; I have a collection that takes up one full cabinet in our kitchen
72. I love the concept of the new movie Julie&Julia. I think it would be a great experiment to see how it would turn out. Julia Child was amazing
73. I believe that I should have grown up in the 50's; I very much want to be a housewife, the perfect June Cleaver (though that would probably drive DH crazy)
74. I could spend paycheck after paycheck at IKEA and Target
75. I hate to wear shoes; I only wear them because they are required of me
76. My husband's brother didn't speak to me for the first 4.5 years of our relationship, but once he realized I was sticking around he started opening up
77. Rick and I recently bought a stuffed animal for our child
78. I'm a homebody, I'm most comfortable at home, always have been always will be
79. I think Family Guy is one of the most brilliantly written shows, although sometimes they go too far, even for me
80. I collect shot glasses from everywhere I've been
81. I love Hollywood Gossip, but I don't read it as much as I used too
82. I lost my sunglasses 6 weeks ago and it is driving my nuts that I can't find them, but I've been too lazy to go buy more
83. I constantly crack my knuckles when they start to feel tight
84. My mom loaned us the money for our IVF, we have put everything we have into IF treatments and are now at the last notch, we're hoping to not need anymore meds for this cycle
85. This has been exhausting to try to do this that I'm actually thinking about going to bed... and it's only 7:46
86. I have been doing acupuncture for over a year and hope that it will help lead us to our baby
87. My husband just told me that I'm beautiful :)
88. Typically the first thing I do when I get home is get into my underpants
89. I love all types of music, but my all time favorites is the Dave Matthews Band
90. I was attacked by a dog when I was 5, which required reconstructive plastic surgery on my face
91. I love to play Mario Kart on our Wii when I have time
92. I've lost 43 pounds in the last year and kept it off
93. Through our TTC Journey, we've frequently thought about when God's lesson to us in all of this is... we finally determined the other night that it must be faith... it's the one thing we tend to lack too often
94. I have used almost all of my vacation/sick time at work on RE appointments
95. My parents divorce was the best thing to ever happen to my mom, she's blossomed so much since 1999, I'm so proud of her
96. I can touch my nose with my tongue... I can also balance a spoon on my nose for undisclosed periods of time... it doesn't take much to amuse my family...
97. Rick and I have created voices for our dogs, they amuse us, but I think we annoy them...
98. I have an abnormal fear of Spiders, I frequently have nightmares about them and wake up screaming... something DH appreciates at 1 in the morning...
99. I'm a whiz at the game Simon... it's quiet impressive...
100. If I could bring 5 things with me to a deserted island, I would bring 1) my husband 2) my dog, Quincy 3) a lifetime supply of mac and cheese 4) the Bible and 5) a tent

No (good) words

Yesterday was our follow-up follie scan. If you remember I had 14 follicles just hanging out Tuesday. Friday only 5 worth a damn. 5... Oh! did I mention that my lining was only 3.9?

right: 14
left: 13, 12,11,8

After getting probed for the 76th time. I got dressed and walked across the hallway with Rick. We sat down in only what I can describe as the 'collection' room if you get my drift. Our nurse came in a started discussing our meds with us since I only had enough to get me through last night. She comes in and sits down and the tears start to roll. She tried to calm me down by telling me that it's still early and that there is still plenty of time. But that bullshit doesn't help me. I know that I am a bad patient when it comes to googling, but I read others blogs and I read statistics. I know that Rick and I have put everything that we have into this IVF, literally. We had to split the cost of our new meds onto 2 credit cards last night. Several of our credit card companies have closed our accounts recently without any notification. Just another great indication of our wonderful economy.

When her talking to me didn't help, Dr. P came in. He sat down to try and calm my fears. He said he isn't worried about our cycle at this time. My body need some more time to respond. Since I'm PCO they don't want to push it too much since I can explode at any time apparently. My E2 level went up quite nicely in a couple days but still has a ways to go, it sits at 196.22. I had a shitty day at work. And after the credit card fiasco last night I figured that maybe God was trying to tell us something. Rick and I discussed it and neither of us think the lesson is patience. But more and more I am thinking that the lesson might just be to have Faith. It's hard to lift everything up to God and let him handle it. So we are just going to go with the flow and let Him handle things.

Monday is our follow-up. Maybe we'll find out more then.

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Tonight is going to be a fun night for me. I get to go hang out and have dinner with my best girls. As life goes on, we don't have as much time to spend with each other. So we take what we can get these days. So, I'm off to take a short nap and then get ready for dinner at Bella's!

Who knew sitting was considered a luxury?!?

This is the question that I have been asking myself for the last several days. I actually had to ask a co-worker to tie my shoes for me yesterday. I absolutely could not bend over to reach them. Nothing like asking someone 20 years your senior to reach down and tie your shoes for you. There's a confidence booster for ya!

It's been an interesting few days. I've been very fidgety and can't seem to sit in one place for too long. Not to mention that I feel like I'm ghettofied right now. I'm leaning so far back in my chair I can barely reach my keyboard. Ha!

I've officially completed my second acupuncture appointment this week. I've been a faithful acupuncture follower for over a year now. I have very high hopes that acupuncture will be what puts us over the edge and makes our bean/beans stick.

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We feel very blessed to be given this opportunity to go through IVF. It it wasn't for my mom, we wouldn't be taking this journey right now. Rick and I have opted to invite our mothers along for the Transfer so they can be a part of it as well. They are both looking forward to it. Rick and I are most looking forward to bring home a photo or two of our little blastocysts. How many people can say that they have photos of their kids from right after they were conceived??

I can't wait to have the "Where did I come from?" conversation. What an interesting story that will be for our kid/kids. I can see it now... "Well, you see little Johnny... while most mommies and daddies get to have fun making babies, you were made possible by a needle and a talented Embryologist. Oh and don't let me forget Kym, my lovely acupuncturist who moved my chi in order to get you to stick"

Happy Dance....

Today was follie scan #2. While I've spent the last 5 days freaking out about my inital antral follicle count, my fears were eased today by Dr. Silva. During my scan he stated that my right ovary still had 4 follicles and then he spent a lot of time looking at my left ovary. I immediately began thinking that it was over and that my left ovary was still sleeping....

that is until he started counting... he counted 1-10 quicker than I could blink... 10 FREAKING FOLLICLES. In a year my left ovary has shown no signs of life until today! Dr Silva stated that since I am AO, it is very common for women to have little to no antrals on the baseline but that if I still didn't have much today THEN it would be time to worry I was so happy I could barely contain myself. I was so happy I did a happy dance while STILL in the stirrups.

I got a call back this afternoon with my E2 numbers. A very small rise. Only up to 68. They have now upped my dose to 225IU Gonal F and 150IU Menopur nightly. I go back in Friday at 9 for follow-up bloodwork and another scan.

I'm so excited that there is progress. Just hoping for A LOT more progress Friday morning!

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IVF Progress to Date
July 8 - Baseline b/w and scan... yielded 4 antral follicles on right ovary/left ovary 'quiet'
July 12 - E2 Level - 55
July 14 - Follow-up b/w and scan... yielded 4 follies on right ovary/10 follies on left ovary

Coming up...
July 17 - B/w and Scan at 9:00

Please God... Don't Fail Me Now

I'm a constant worrier... I know I know... This isn't the time to worry. But, I can't help it... I am...
I'm worried about my antral follicle count. I'm not sure how much clout I should put into it. I asked the Nurse today while she was taking my blood for my E2 levels. She told me not to worry until I hear the results of my next ultrasound, which is Tuesday. She said that since I haven't been stimming a lower number isn't out of the ordinary. I hope she is right.

I'm now worried about my E2 levels. The on-call RE called with my results and informed me that they are at 55 (after 3 days of stimming). It sounds kinda low to me and I didn't really think enough to ask more. They want me to come back in Tuesday for a followup ultrasound. AF ended yesterday, so I'm not sure if this could have played a part in the low number or not. But I'm really hoping that things are looking good Tuesday and that we're going to be on our way to a completed IVF cycle. I'm hoping that more antral follicles are popping up.

I'm pretty confident that perhaps they will be upping my meds. I understand that they like to be cautious with PCO patients, but I don't have the time or the money to for them to be overly cautious. I will need to stress my concern with low numbers and hope that they up my meds. We shall see...

Teenie Weenie Vacation

Well, it's Florida and it's sweltering right now. It's currently about 95 degrees outside except The Weather Channel states that it is 85 degrees, which is seriously a crock of shit! You can't even walk outside without immediately breaking into a solid sweat. It's not pretty.

Rick's family takes an annual vacation to the beach. We typically don't stay since we live about 5 miles away from where they stay. But we always take a long weekend and spend some time out here. It's always peaceful. We eat, laugh and play a ton of games. Sometimes we just nap. The heat however takes a toll on you. Especially during the stimming process. Heat and I do not mix. I would rather walk through the Arctic cold dodging polar bears and rabid penguins than deal with the heat. I think that this is one reason why God will grant us a BFP and my EDD will be during the winter or spring. The summer and I and a pregnancy would be awful. Talk about cranky and horrid... That would be me!

Today is day 3 of stimming and AF seems to be tapering off. I've felt really good so far and am hopeful that we will get a decent amount of follies and some awesome quality eggs to use... Can't wait. It's going to be grrrreat!

3... 2... 1...

POKE!

Day #1 stim down... Rick and I went through the process together. It was nice to share the experience with him. I was nervous and apprehensive at the same time. Things were just as I remembered but now there is triple everything. I have a feeling, I'm going to be very tired of poking myself 3 times a day, but I know that it is for the greater good.

Rick's family vacations yearly about 10 minutes from our house. So we will be spending the majority of the weekend with them. It will be interesting to do all of our shots without the family finding out. Rick's parents are the only ones who know what we're going through in his family.

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We extended the invitation to both of our mother's yesterday to attend our transfer with us. We're excited to have them along for the ride. :)

We Have Liftoff

Today we tightened the IVF belt one more notch. Today was our baseline scan and blood work. I'm a chronic Googler. I google everything. I spent most of the weekend googling everything from antral follicles to IVF/ICSI stats.

When we arrived at the RE's office, we were ushered right back into the exam room. I went through the unceremonious task of undressing from the waist down, hopping up onto the exam table and scooching down the end of the table. It's always much more comforting to have Rick there with me. My favorite nurse came in to draw my blood. I expressed my fears to her and she easily calmed them for me. I asked her about antral follicles and if they were necessary (during our 3rd IUI I didn't have any at my baseline), she explained that because of suppressing the body on Lupron, you don't always see a lot or any. She told me not to worry and that with the increased meds, I should respond as inspected.

My RE is on vacation this week so I was supposed to see another RE, but he was running a smidge late because of the weather. Another doctor was there to perform my u/s. They first checked my lining which was at 5. They started to count antrals on my right ovary and got to 4 before stopping and just noting multiple antrals. I have a potential lazy left ovary. My left ovary has never produced a follicle in any of my scans. My right ovary seems to be the workhorse. I've asked my RE about this before and he said that we will have to wait and see how the left responds to the increased dose of meds. I'm hoping that it will wake from it's slumber and help us out...

I finally got my phone call regarding my b/w results and finally got the green light. All of my stressing and worrying this weekend for nothing. I felt a HUGE relief when she called and said that I can start stimming tomorrow night!

I go back on Sunday for follow up b/w to see how I'm responding. I'm hoping that we move right along and GET ER DONE!!! WOO HOO!!

Meet Kevin

For those of you who have seen the movie Up, you'll understand where his name comes from. Kevin appeared in our neighbor's yard across the street from our house this past Friday. He made his home in the planter of her yard and the neighbor directly next to her. Kevin spent the entire weekend facing our house and sleeping on our roof at night.

People who were walking down the street or riding their bikes stopped to take photos of him all weekend. I witnessed a guy so startled by Kevin's presence that he almost fell off his bike. While that in and of it self would have been tragic, he didn't thus making it hysterical. I was so intrigued by Kevin that I kept myself firmly planted on the couch just to see him. I know, I know... makes me sound so pathetic. But really, it was a great weekend, free of stress... My goal for these next 4-6 weeks...

With everything going on, I look at everything. It occurred to me that maybe Kevin is a sign. He was our own personal stork. The photo above was taken Monday evening. Kevin held his arms open almost all weekend. Almost as if to cradle a baby. It's a nice thought huh?

Kevin left us Sunday. While I was disappointed, because he provided a lot of entertainment for us and the dogs. I understood. We're not his home. If even for a brief moment, he sure did brighten our day... Kevin reappeared Monday evening right before I got home from work and remained even through a really strong thunderstorm. He's a beautiful bird. I hope he doesn't stay away for too long. :)

Independence Day

There are so many meanings to the term. But, during this time it's kind of bittersweet, for us anyway. I don't know if I speak for Rick, but I'm pretty sure that I do... We feel like slaves to the cycle. I personally feel like a human pin cushion. And I'm pretty sure that being asked to make a 'deposit' in a sterile plastic cup on demand can't be too pleasing either.

We are thankful for many things in our lives. First and foremost being blessed with each other. Finding your soul mate at 19 is a pretty awesome thing. Knowing that nothing makes as much sense as being together (except for adding a baby or two to the bunch) is just fine for us...

This week... we are SUPPOSED to be begin our stimming process... Here's hoping that Wednesdays appointment goes as planned.... I have yet to being AF, I've read where some women have a small bit of spotting, others have full flow and some have nothing at all. I'll be putting a call into my RE tomorrow in order to make sure that we'll still be on track...

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Show Your Ugly Face..... DAMMIT!!!

I have officially been on Lupron for 9 days... So far... AF has not shown up. Bitch needs to hurry up and get here! I feel like she's lurking in the background. But I think that she likes to mess with me... She knows that I'm supposed to start my stimming next week. Totally frustrating...

I went to acupuncture last night and informed her that she needed to kick it in to high gear to get AF here. I felt closer to starting last night. She informed me to keep massaging the inside of my legs so before going to bed last night I massaged my legs for about 5 minutes each.

Here's hoping that she comes sometime today or tomorrow.

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This is the second weekend that Rick and I don't have much planned. It is my hope that we keep most weekends free during this process, the weeks are stressful enough and to add a full weekend on top of that.... I find no relaxation in any of that.

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Lupron: As I said earlier, this is day 9. My headaches have started to subside and the night sweats aren't as bad. I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't snapped at anyone. I've remained pretty clam during everything. Trust me, I know that this is just the beginning and we have a long road ahead...

Rick and I don't hide the fact that we're infertile. Though he might not be very big on telling people that he's half the problem... I do think that it has been easier on us to know that we both share responsibility. I've become very focused on trying to educate people. Sometime in having the 'We're Infertile' conversation with people, we get looks like they can't believe some of our stories. I frequently say that I should get a posse together and write a book; a sort of collection of infertility successes and failures... I know so many women (and men for that matter) who have stories upon stories... Maybe one day I'll finally figure out how to go about the concept...

:)