Happy Birthday

Today is my soul mates birthday. I've spent the last 10.5 years loving this man. He's the reason that I push myself. The reason that I'm here. He can make me laugh when everything seems hopeless. He knows just how to make me feel good... He is my air.

Happy birthday baby. The best is yet to come. :)



I've been so busy and sick this week I forgot that ICLW started! My apologies! I have a lot of catching up to do.

I currently sound like an 85 year old Italian smoker. This laryngitis is totally kicking my butt this year! I'm used to losing my voice after the first cold snap of the year but it typically only lasts for a few days. Anywho...

Tonight is Ricktoberfest 3.0. AKA - Ricks 30th birthday celebration. I bought him a surround sound system for the house and surprised him with it. It's a nice addition to the entertainment center!

As for all things fertility related. We've begun exploring the options and have decided that several conversations are needed with our families as their opinion and support in this process is VERY important to us. Maybe we can find a way for us all to get together at the same time. Rick and I have decided that we'll wait out the end of 2009 and continue to gather information and figure out which direction we want to go before jumping feet first into everything! We are excited at what this new path brings us.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!


Do I want to be pregnant or Do I want to be a mother?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Closing in on a month. But, I needed that time to process, relax and rejuvenate. It's done me well. Rick and I haven't talked too much about what was next for us. We always had October 14th on our radar. It was the next RESOLVE meeting that dealt with egg donation and adoption. We were particularly interested in the egg donation talk.

Fast forward an hour. We listened to the egg donation talk intently and I was touched by Nicole's story. Then, Kristin spoke about her adoption journey. She said several things that struck a cord with me.

1) A friend of hers asked her one day... "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mother?"

This statement resonated with me. I had never actually looked at it that way. How important was it for us to have a biological child? Now, don't get me wrong, it's a huge loss to be told your chances of having a biological child are slim to none. It hit me, sitting in a crowded room of people. Dammit, I just want to be a mother. Rick and I will be wonderful parents (or so we would like to think). It isn't THAT important to me to be pregnant. I'm actually quite terrified of pregnancy. Any pregnancy I have would be a high risk pregnancy and it really scares the bejesus out of me.

2) With adoption, you know you are coming home with a baby at some point. But with egg donation and continued treatments, nothing is promised.

That was the other thing. We've put so much blood, sweat and tears into trying to create a baby that I don't think either of us thought about what we would do if egg donation DID NOT work. Plus, we aren't made of money. Matter of fact we've exhausted most of our life savings on our journey to have a baby. If we went through egg donation and it didn't work, chances of us being able to afford something like that again would be slim for some time.

A dear friend of mine asked me a question a couple months ago after our failed IVF. I was explaining the possibilities for trying to have a baby. She then asked me "If this doesn't work... when does it all stop?" I've been thinking about that comment since she made it. She's right. When does it all stop? When do we stop the cycle? It's been 4.5 years. $30-35k. 11 medicated cycles. Over 200 needles. And yet we are no closer than we were 4.5 years ago. If anything it seemed farther away.

I always thought adoption wasn't for me. Then things started falling into place and making sense. I am half adopted (my mother is my biological, but my dad adopted me when he and her married when I was a baby, I've never known my biological father). Rick and I have rescued both of our dogs. And I know more adopted people than most. It's kinda of been right in front of me the whole time. I just never looked at it. I've been looking for signs for years. Now everything feels like it is just as it should be. It feels good. Great actually.

Next on the agenda... gathering our information, talking to our families and going to get our baby!