This is what it looked like. This is what it looked like Sunday after our 'Non-dividing Embryo Call'. This is what happened to me after a day of screaming and crying. I've never lost it like I did Sunday. I look like someone beat the shit out of me. In reality, what you see are all of the broken blood vessels.
I took this photo and choose to share it because I've never been so devastated. This is what infertility did to me. Only after it took part of my soul, made me feel broken and empty. I've spent the last 4 years with a smile on my face, breaking down only a few times, when the occasional friend or family member announces yet another pregnancy. I've tried to maintain an upbeat attitude and positive outlook on our situation. Sunday was the breaking point.
On the brighter side, I no longer look like someone who ran into a couple fists. Monday was a much better day on the embryo front. Our transfer went well and I've been taking it easy since.
I know that most of my readers are fellow infertiles. But those that aren't have a hard time putting a face to infertility, so I'm doing it for them. For those that think it is selfish to put so much time and effort into having a child and not utilizing adoption or another route, don't understand the heartache one feels when your body doesn't work like it should. I have yet to meet someone with those opinions who DOESN'T have a child of their own. It's easy to judge when you can't relate.
I also want to point out that the average cost of a domestic adoption ranges between $20,000-$25,000. The average cost of an international adoption ranges between $25,000-$45,000. With both options taking anywhere up to 2 years and beyond to complete. I just wanted to throw out those numbers for those that THINK adoption is a better/easier option. I'm not knocking adoption, I'm all for it. But, I just wanted to show that it's also a very financially strapping option. None of this is easy. Whether you are continuing with fertility treatments, trying to adopt an embryo, trying to use donor sperm, or trying to adopt a baby, we all have a face. We all deserve our dream. No matter what option that is.
Just another note about Domestic Adoptions: Nearly 50% of all domestic adoptions never go through. The couple or mother decides before giving birth that they/she aren't going to be placing the child any longer... Imagine that one. You are chosen to have someone give you their baby and you prepare for it all to have it yanked out from under you.