This is what it looked like. This is what it looked like Sunday after our 'Non-dividing Embryo Call'. This is what happened to me after a day of screaming and crying. I've never lost it like I did Sunday. I look like someone beat the shit out of me. In reality, what you see are all of the broken blood vessels.I took this photo and choose to share it because I've never been so devastated. This is what infertility did to me. Only after it took part of my soul, made me feel broken and empty. I've spent the last 4 years with a smile on my face, breaking down only a few times, when the occasional friend or family member announces yet another pregnancy. I've tried to maintain an upbeat attitude and positive outlook on our situation. Sunday was the breaking point.
On the brighter side, I no longer look like someone who ran into a couple fists. Monday was a much better day on the embryo front. Our transfer went well and I've been taking it easy since.
I know that most of my readers are fellow infertiles. But those that aren't have a hard time putting a face to infertility, so I'm doing it for them. For those that think it is selfish to put so much time and effort into having a child and not utilizing adoption or another route, don't understand the heartache one feels when your body doesn't work like it should. I have yet to meet someone with those opinions who DOESN'T have a child of their own. It's easy to judge when you can't relate.
I also want to point out that the average cost of a domestic adoption ranges between $20,000-$25,000. The average cost of an international adoption ranges between $25,000-$45,000. With both options taking anywhere up to 2 years and beyond to complete. I just wanted to throw out those numbers for those that THINK adoption is a better/easier option. I'm not knocking adoption, I'm all for it. But, I just wanted to show that it's also a very financially strapping option. None of this is easy. Whether you are continuing with fertility treatments, trying to adopt an embryo, trying to use donor sperm, or trying to adopt a baby, we all have a face. We all deserve our dream. No matter what option that is.
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Just another note about Domestic Adoptions: Nearly 50% of all domestic adoptions never go through. The couple or mother decides before giving birth that they/she aren't going to be placing the child any longer... Imagine that one. You are chosen to have someone give you their baby and you prepare for it all to have it yanked out from under you.
6 comments:
Girl... you are BEAUTIFUL, your eyes are just gorgeous. Thank you for putting into words how bottoming out with IF feels... I am not quite as far into my journey as you are, but many of the feelings resonate and are painfully familiar. Keeping my fingers crossed for some awesome news for you SOON! :)
You are right. If you aren't in the battle you have no idea what it is like. I hope you get your happy ending.
Oh Kerri, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I pray every night that you and Rick get the baby that you both deserve. I am a great listener :-) and I don't know anyone involved if you ever need to meet at a starbucks and vent...I'm your girl!
You will both stay in my prayers, and know that you have many people there for you!
Keep your chin up!
I found your blog through Cyclesista and I just wanted to say how brave I think you are. I also wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this right now.
You are dead on with your analysis of adoptions and infertility. We, after nine years of infertility, decided to go the international adoption route and applied back in January of 2006. Wait times have increased exponentially and we are now looking at May of 2012 for a possible referral. In that time, we have had offers for domestic adoptions fall through. Adoption is VERY difficult and devastating. It has prompted us to revisit infertility treatments (something I never thought I would have to do again).
Again, I'm so sorry and I wish your strength.
i found you blog through ICLW (ok, i like to look early).
1. i know that face. i've seen it in my mirror.
2. i can't tell you how many people have said, "why don't you adopt? have you thought of that?" uhhh, i've thought of that and things you probably have never even heard of, in fact.
i hope your snowbabies are happy and settling in for a long, safe, healthy 9 months! good luck!
xoxo
How I know that face. I have worn that face so many times. Every single pregnancy I have to hear about, show enthusiasm for...each one stabs me in the heart. We didn't stay on the ART train for long. We adopted two beautiful daughters and they are my life (our first adoption was twelve years ago). Despite being a very fulfilled mother, I still yearn for a pregnancy. Our IVF miscarriage two years ago took me months to overcome...I am not sure I ever got over it. This time around we are using donor eggs to increase our chances. So many of us know your pain. The pain of endo, the pain of loss, the pain of emptiness. Sending a hopeful hug.
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