My Life Has a Theme Song (today anyway)

I woke up this morning and felt different. I wasn't really sure what the difference was. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I sat at my desk munching away on Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzels this afternoon (which seriously required me to need a breath mint) when it hit me... this is the best I've felt in a month!

I feel like Peter Griffin when the genie grants him his own theme song...



I have spent the last 33 days mourning. Yes, I realize we got our transfer, but it really was in the most dismal of situations. I have spent the last 33 days wondering what I could have done differently. I have spent the last 33 days wallowing in self pity. I'm sure I haven't been the best spouse. I know that I haven't been the best friend, but I have been so lucky to have the understanding of the people that I might have affected. Mind you my lack of great friendship has been my self imposed exile that I inflicted upon myself.

I know that sometimes life will knock you down. But, I've been trying to get back up... But it seemed as though I had been knocked into a hole about 10 feet deep. I've been scratching and clawing my way out. It would probably explain the intense need for a manicure at the moment. But, I'm almost there. I feel like the top half of my body is out and I'm just trying to get my legs out of the hole... Hopefully, they'll join the rest of me here very soon...

Find Your Humor...

I've been very reflective over the last month and dammit I'm tired of being sad. I feel like I've been stuck in a silent movie... Everything for so long has been all black and grainy. I'm taking big steps this weekend. Hubby will be off at an All Madden Tournament (football video game)... We might be 30, but sometimes you gotta be a kid... I will be heading out to dinner and other activities with my BFF, her SIL and Lily (the most adorable 6 month little girl)...

I haven't been around children since before our IVF failed. I feel like I need to slowly get back into the groove of things. I need to get off the Willy Wonka's Wondrous Boat Ride. Do you remember that part of the movie? The crazy 60's psychedelic bugs crawling everywhere scene? Well, that's where I feel like I've been... And you should just be warned that I am deathly afraid of bugs. Real or imaginary. For those that can't remember it... here is the scene...



I need to get back into the real world. It's been a helluva a journey these last few weeks. I've immersed myself in work. Which is probably for the best since I seemed to be trailing off all the time for the last several months. I've accomplished more this month since our failed IVF than I have in a while. I'm sure my
job thanks me... ha!

I'm the type of person who needs an answer and a plan for everything. Now, this might sound strange coming from somebody with such little organizational skills, but I've really been trying NOT to think about what is next for us. I'm trying to let go (which is unbelievably difficult for a person in need of constant control, such as myself). I'm trying to let the "chips fall where they may", for the time being anyway. I'm trying to enjoy my husband, not that I didn't enjoy him before, but, it just feels a little more freeing these days... I'm also trying to refocus my energies. I know that might sound odd, but I have several quotes or pieces of wisdom that I recite to myself everyday, throughout the day. It tends to calm my mind and
lift my spirit. I'm pretty sure my husband has appreciated the fact that I haven't been hysterical recently. Don't get me wrong, I've had some sad moments. But, I've pushed through them. Well, I've tried anyway.

"Life is a garden... dig it." as Joe Dirt would say...

I leave you with one last memento this evening...

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it... -- Bill Cosby

I believe that. I'm working to find laughter again. I hope you are too.

My Sincerest Thanks

I just want to thank all of those who read my blog.

I want to thank those who have felt compelled to write me. Whether it's to offer words of encouragement or to thank me for something on my blog.

Infertility is the single toughest journey I've had to take in my life. My mom used to tell me that I had a wall built up around me which is why I was so strong. I wouldn't let anything hurt me. Over the years, that wall has been broken and is no longer a part of my life. So much has happened in my life to break that wall.

My husband, is the single greatest person I know. He loves everything about me and has not ever judged me, even in those moments when I seemed to be losing it all. I know that it's difficult to see any positive in a situation that has hurt so much. But, the more I think about it, the joy and the positive in my life is my husband. It may sound sappy and needy, but I need to be around him. He makes everything about my life better. He cries with me when we have a failed cycle. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling. He loves me unconditionally.

I'm lucky that I don't have to go through this journey alone. Even though, I've certainly taken this harder and dwelled on it longer than my husband, I know that we're a team. We're solid and we've done nothing but grow together for this experience.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is appreciation. Appreciation for the love that I go home to every day. Appreciation for that fact that we have never once argued about our infertility. Appreciation for the couple we have become and the foundation we've built together.

My biggest hurdle at the moment is my faith. This is something that I have touched on a lot in therapy. I've always been told, "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time". I no longer believe those things. Well, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Which leads me to question everything I've been raised to know and believe. I know how important faith is. But, when I want answers, dammit, I want answers. I've never been one to be very patient. It's my nature to be impulsive. I am an Aries for crying out loud. I never thought that infertility would be the reason why my faith would be so shaken. I'm desperately trying to hold onto something. I never thought my mom would be OK with me telling her that I wasn't sure I believed in God any more. But she was. She has been great in trying to tell me that I'll eventually find myself again. It will just take some time.

I will find myself again. I will find my happiness.

So again, thank you to those who have read my blog and been touched by it one way or another. The support is amazing. You rock.

Strive to Find Joy in the Journey

I was reading through a number of new (to me) blogs today and came across - Three of a Kind Working on a Full House. One thing that she said really stood out...

Strive to find joy in the journey.

What a powerful statement. Yet so few of us can actually find that joy. It would be so easy if there were an easy button right? If there were an easy button, none of us would be in this situation.

So how do we find the joy? Maybe it would help to walk up to people that do not respect the blessing of having a child and smacking them silly... I know it would make me feel better to do that to several people.

Or maybe to find the joy we have to look towards the positive in each situation. Which I know can be the most difficult part. I still haven't found the positive in our situation. But, maybe I have and I just don't realize it.

So... This song.... Show Me What I'm Looking For (Carolina Liar) has really been speaking to me. Simple, beautiful and to the point. Maybe soon we'll all find joy in our situations... Please enjoy...

Positive Restructuring

... this is what we discussed in therapy today.

How talked about how to replace the negative thoughts and quieting my brain in order to replace them with positive uplifting thoughts.

When a negative thought starts to intrude my brain such as my revelation today that "maybe I'm not meant to be a mother because maybe God doesn't think I'll be able to care for or protect my children."

I'm supposed to replace that thought with something that is logical and true... such as... "Although I'm not pregnant yet, I know that it isn't hopeless in my quest to become a mother and that I know when I do become a mother I will be a great mother and influence on my children."

I went to therapy by myself today. Rick stayed home. Today's appointment was all about me. We touched on much more than infertility. We touched on some deep under laying issues many of which stem from long ago. Apparently, I'm much more sensitive than I ever thought I was. I harbor resentment and hurt from years ago and have never let those wounds heal which affect me still today. I had a lot to say when I first walked in. Not so much when I left. Just trying to take everything in. I felt better when I left. I talked about things I never thought about before. I talked about things that I've told very few people. She listened intently. Kindly.

When I left, she told me that I made some major progress. ..

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers

You can find more out about me here...

My husband and I have been reflecting on our failed IVF here and there. The wounds aren't as fresh as they were a couple weeks ago. My next worry is what's next? What if our doctor thinks that my eggs truly are bad? Is there any way to help that? I have no clue.

I'm dreading our follow-up appointment. My doctor happens to be a teaching doctor so he always has residents with him. I've always been up for them being a part of everything. But now... For our follow-up... I don't think that I want 2 additional ears in on that conversation. It's going to be a tough afternoon. I've cried enough in front of Dr. P, but I really don't think I'm going to like potentially crying in front of 2 other people I've never seen. I'm just not comfy with that...

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In other news...

I just have to say... I'm sick of hearing about Kourtney Kardashian and her 'shocking' pregnancy. I'm sick of hearing about the 'should I or shouldn't I keep it' stories. Why would you put that out there. I do believe that every woman should have a choice. I know that I don't have to read this stuff... But it takes up time at work, during slow times... Every day it's something new. Nothing like exploiting your kid for everything you can get out of them. I wonder how much People paid her for the stories? I wish it was as simple as 'missing' a pill here and there... and POOF!

Ok... Mini rant over... The Jealous Infertile is rearing her ugly head...

I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.E.

My mom always used to call me fertile myrtle. I had great child bearing hips she would tell me. You see, I'm an only child. My mom was told when she was younger that she would never have children. She got married not too long after this news. She got pregnant with me at 19 and had me at 20 (she was never able to have another). My mom always had reproductive issues. She had cysts when she was a teenager. She was diagnosed with endometriosis at 17. She had her left ovary removed at age 24.

We had a conversation the other day about everything that was going on and that she couldn't believe that this is where we are. My family thought I'd have 3 or 4 kids by now. After thinking about our WTF appointment in a few weeks, it dawned on me that my 2 aunts from my father's side where both never able to get pregnant. This is something that I never thought to bring up before. I didn't really spend too much time around them, it just never crossed my mind. So curiosity is starting to get the best of me... Could genetics be my down fall? Wouldn't that be something... all these years and all the money we've spent for something that I would have never been able to help...

I have no clue if it will be an issue or not, but it is definitely on my list of things to bring up to the RE in a few weeks...

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So my boss is on vacation this week, which means I'm in charge of our department. Mind you I work with all chicks. It's a total estrogen-fest and for someone like me, I'd much rather be around guys all day long. I just tend to get a long better with men. I have more in common with them. I'm not your typical girlie girl. While I have my moments, I would much rather be watching a game as opposed to shopping...

Well, while the boss is away... man will the girls play... Now, I'm the youngest person in my department, so you can imagine how much people (especially older women, most of whom could be my own mother) like to listen to me. I digress... You ask them to do one tiny thing and it's like you are cutting off their air supply or something. So for the past 3 days I've been asking someone to get something done that was due Monday. My boss' boss (who I affectionately call GP) came back from vacation today. The first thing she asks if for the report for her 10 am meeting. So I approach said Rep and ask her for the report. She turns to me and says that she didn't have time to get to it. So, I ask her what she has been doing in the mean time since she'd had time off of her other duties in order to get it done. She flings her chair around to me and said, "I didn't feel like it was that important. I saw no rush in getting it done."

WELL... The entire department heard her say it including GP, who happened to be walking out to get a status report. Needless to say... GP forced said Rep into her office, closed the door and the entire building heard her lashing... I would not have wanted to be on the other side of that 'conversation'. It was A W E S O M E!!! So for something that should have taken MAYBE 2 hours to complete, said Rep got written up and CAN'T wait for my boss to come back so we can talk about it... tee hee....

I'm awful I know... But this particular person seriously can't stand me. It basically boils down to the fact that she doesn't like to take direction from someone younger than her. My boss is younger than her too, and she does the same sh*t to her. Such disrespect. Anywho... Karma... I love her!

I Can See Clearly Now... The Rain Is Gone...

Well, that might be an overstatement. But this weekend was the first that I haven't dwelled on the fact that we're infertile or that all our friends have babies or our IVF failed. Sure, I've thought about all of the above, but I've been able to tear myself away and think about other things... or nothing at all... that's even better!

I have no doubt that my 'magic pill' (the Wellbutrin that my Dr. Rx me this past week) has something to do with it. But, it was something that needed to be done. I am glad he was so quick to call it in for me.

I'm still losing my hair like there is no tomorrow and I think it's actually getting worse. Not sure what to do about that. My acupuncturist gave me some supplements that are supposed to help. I haven't started them yet, but I will tomorrow. I don't know if it is the stress, my hormones, or if God is being funny and wants to make me look like all my Uncles... or maybe it is all of the above. I recently had my thyroid checked and I know it isn't that... I love my hair... but I'm even afraid to run my fingers through it... anyone have any suggestions or tips?

Tonight is fried chicken night in our household. It was a big hit that last time I made it... and by big hit, I mean that Rick loved it... LOL Wish me luck so I don't burn down the house... :D

What Infertility Has Taken From Me

Infertility has taken away my ability to laugh at myself. Most importantly it took away some of my ability to laugh with others. I've become so serious that it's become hard for me to distinguish between a joke or a serious comment. I feel like my personality is sliding away. Kind of like how a glacier starts melting down... Just chunks sliding and melting into the vast ocean that is my soul. I constantly think about why we haven't been blessed with a child. I think about what I've done in my past and wonder if it is the reason. I think about things that happened to me and wonder if that is the reason. Maybe God doesn't think I can handle a child. Maybe he thinks that I won't be able to protect my child. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did or said.

I know that we all have those thoughts. But, with each passing failed cycle they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can't turn them off. I can't hardly read news stories involving children anymore. They upset me too much and most are heartbreaking. I can't even look at people's desks or facebook profiles any longer without wondering why. I have no desire to hang out with any of our friends. Not because I don't love them. But, because I can't help but feel extreme sadness and depression being around them. I also know that most people probably think "Poor Kerri and Rick...". I know that most can't relate, I would never wish this on anyone. Ever.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I feel like I need to slap myself silly. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG BABY!" My inner voice keeps saying that to me, but my heart keeps getting pulled back into the rut. I know that I need time to grieve, but doesn't my mind know myself well enough by now to know that I'm not that fucking patient?!? I like to go go go. I don't like to dwell on anything. But, in all honesty, I'm sure it's part of the reason I'm suffering so much now. I'm causing conflict within myself. I'm coping with it by taking an anti-depressant right now and talking with a counselor. DH is currently coming up with a exercise regimen for us, which we both feel will help us tremendously.

I never thought that infertility affected me so much, but it's been a long process to get to where I am. I feel so blessed however that my mom has been there for me. She has never pushed me off or tried to take away what I was/am feeling at the time. She has however really tried to get me to see that things aren't over and while this is yet another bump in our road, we will get through it. I love my mommy. :) I'm also equally blessed to share my life with a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is my world. My rock. Without him I am certain that I would not be who I am today. The good and the bad, life is sweeter with him. I know we will get through this journey together and be stronger for it.

Wacky Wednesday

So, I think I'm going to try something new...

I always find it interesting to see people's answers to certain questions or discussion points... I would love to see what my readers have to say... Please, leave your comments... :)

What is something that infertility has taken away from you? How are you coping with that?

Check back tomorrow for my response...

Have You Had Your Vitamin D Today?

More and more research is coming out to state that Vitamin D can be a major player in infertility. In a study conducted by Yale University an astonishing 93 percent of women suffering from Infertility are Vitamin D deficient. Most women have no clue about Vitamin D and the role it plays in women's health. Vitamin D and Calcium are two of the most important supplements in our lives. Two supplements that we are frequently lacking.

There are a lot of studies being done to research Vitamin D deficiency and PCOS. I found out right before our IVF began that I was Vitamin D deficient. I began supplementing my daily diet with Vitamin D. The problem with Vitamin D is that obtaining it is nearly impossible. There are very few foods that contain Vitamin D. Sunlight is our main source, but we rarely get enough. Even those that go into the sun tend to use sunscreen which means little to no Vitamin D is getting through. Research suggests to get at least 15 minutes of sun exposure 3 times a week to satisfy your body's need for it.

There are so many benefits to having the correct levels of Vitamin D. Are you overweight? Vitamin D might help your weight loss. Do you have hypertension? Vitamin D might lower your blood pressure. Are you chronically tired? Low levels of Vitamin D might be a culprit. Are you Insulin Resistant? Getting your Vitamin D levels up might help this condition. Low levels of Vitamin D can lead to Osteoporosis. It can also help breast health and assist with preventing cancer.

If you think that you might be Vitamin D deficient, talk to your doctor. There is a specific blood test that would need to be run in order to determine if you are indeed deficient. I truly believe in all of my research that Vitamin D is really a "super supplement", but it can be toxic if to much is taken. Depending on if you just have low levels of Vitamin D OR if you have a Clinical deficiency the amount of Vitamin D needed will vary. Typical levels are suggested at 1000IU daily. Women with severe Clinical deficiencies have been given upwards of 50,000IU on a weekly/biweekly or monthly basis.

If you are lacking menstrual cycles or are anovulatory, Vitamin D is shown to regulate these issues in most women within 3 months of supplementation; it has also been shown to assist women in achieving pregnancy after cycles have been regulated. Oh! Have I mentioned that men with male factor issues are also shown to have low levels of Vitamin D? The correlation between low Vitamin D levels and infertility is amazing. Do some research of your own. Make up your own mind. Talk to your doctor. What do you have to lose? Nothing in my opinion, you just might better your health... You just might assist your own pregnancy journey.

(insert word here) Fails Me...

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Pain and Praise

I've been away for a week. Not away from home or anything. But just away. I knew what was coming and have had a hard time adjusting to the fact that our IVF failed. We officially got word of our BFN today. I cried when the nurse hugged me today when I told her that Not only was I not pregnant but today is Cycle Day 1. A Painful CD1 in so many ways. The physical and emotional.

I ran acrossed a quote yesterday that fit exactly how I felt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain." - Jennifer Aniston

I know that I will never get to meet my babies that I tried to protect for the last two weeks. But I loved them. I loved that even though their way of being concieved was unconventional, the fact that DH and I created life. Even though it was short. I won't pretend that I didn't think about how wonderful it would have been for both of those babies to nestle into me for the duration. We have officially suffered our first failed IVF.

Failure... Something I have a tremendous probelm with. I've never really failed at anything that I've put my mind too. I've put my mind towards becoming a mother and making my little family whole, but so far, I've failed. For four years. It's not something that I know how to adapt to. You never have to tell me how to do something more than once. So why is infertility so hard? My husband keeps telling me that I didn't fail and that I shouldn't think like that because I did what I was supposed to do... and it just didn't work. But, what I keep telling him is that I just can't help the way I feel. It's failure. One way or the other. I failed. My body failed.

We have our WTF appointment on September 3. I'm not in a rush to go in and discuss whatever my RE has to say. I love our clinic and I think the doctors there are the best in the area. I have no plans on moving clinics, but right now I have no plans on jumping into another cycle right now. We are in desperate need of a break. I told DH long ago, if this IVF didn't work, I wanted us to take a wonderful vacation. So we are. For our 6th (technically 11th) anniversary we are heading on a week long Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece. We have no clue what our future holds but we are certain we are supposed to be parents. My best friend told me that God just isn't done with our baby yet. So that just means, he/she will be extra special...

In the meantime, DH and I are going to see an infertility counselor tomorrow. She is VERY highly regarded in our area and only specializes in infertility. We have both been having a difficult time and I think that wearing a smile on our face for the last 4 years has really worn on us. We've very excited to see what she has to share. She is also the RESOLVE chairperson in our area.

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In other news... I have been awarded 4 Lovely Blog awards this week from:

Eileen, BB, Jenicini, Melissa G

I've never been awarded anything... :) I'm very honored that these ladies choose my blog as one to recognize...

The Rules for the On Lovely Blog Award are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award along to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award. I have a hard time coming up with 15 just because my mind isn't quite unfogged yet, so I'm going to pick 5...I'm a little late in the giving game, but I still wanted to recognize my daily reads...

1. baby, interrupted
2. Tubeless in Seattle
3. All Things Griffin I know she awarded me one, but I love her blog :)
4. It's Only Life
5. Waiting for Snuggle Bug