What Infertility Has Taken From Me

Infertility has taken away my ability to laugh at myself. Most importantly it took away some of my ability to laugh with others. I've become so serious that it's become hard for me to distinguish between a joke or a serious comment. I feel like my personality is sliding away. Kind of like how a glacier starts melting down... Just chunks sliding and melting into the vast ocean that is my soul. I constantly think about why we haven't been blessed with a child. I think about what I've done in my past and wonder if it is the reason. I think about things that happened to me and wonder if that is the reason. Maybe God doesn't think I can handle a child. Maybe he thinks that I won't be able to protect my child. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did or said.

I know that we all have those thoughts. But, with each passing failed cycle they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can't turn them off. I can't hardly read news stories involving children anymore. They upset me too much and most are heartbreaking. I can't even look at people's desks or facebook profiles any longer without wondering why. I have no desire to hang out with any of our friends. Not because I don't love them. But, because I can't help but feel extreme sadness and depression being around them. I also know that most people probably think "Poor Kerri and Rick...". I know that most can't relate, I would never wish this on anyone. Ever.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I feel like I need to slap myself silly. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG BABY!" My inner voice keeps saying that to me, but my heart keeps getting pulled back into the rut. I know that I need time to grieve, but doesn't my mind know myself well enough by now to know that I'm not that fucking patient?!? I like to go go go. I don't like to dwell on anything. But, in all honesty, I'm sure it's part of the reason I'm suffering so much now. I'm causing conflict within myself. I'm coping with it by taking an anti-depressant right now and talking with a counselor. DH is currently coming up with a exercise regimen for us, which we both feel will help us tremendously.

I never thought that infertility affected me so much, but it's been a long process to get to where I am. I feel so blessed however that my mom has been there for me. She has never pushed me off or tried to take away what I was/am feeling at the time. She has however really tried to get me to see that things aren't over and while this is yet another bump in our road, we will get through it. I love my mommy. :) I'm also equally blessed to share my life with a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is my world. My rock. Without him I am certain that I would not be who I am today. The good and the bad, life is sweeter with him. I know we will get through this journey together and be stronger for it.


twondra said...

Thinking of you sweetie. (((HUGS))) This road is so tough.

Hannah Ngo-Whitcomb said...

Sometimes during the trial, we can't understand the purpose or the why's, but through our Faith in God, He makes the pain bearable.

Praying that you will have happier days filled with laughter.

jenicini said...

You'll laugh again. It's just takes some time. Thinking of you.

Melissa G said...

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling so distraught. You were dealt a heavy blow to the heart. It's only natural to feel so down. I wish I could take some of that away for you.

I know it can be exhausting to feel so broken all the time, but you will be able to work through it at some point. Take all the time you need. I think it's really great that you are seeing a counselor. I know it has helped me cope.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs....

AshPash said...

Infertility is an evil monster that leaves a huge hole in your soul. I am parenting two beautiful, wonderful daughters and the hole is still there. I am so sorry about your recent BFN. I hope this time off gives you the peace you are seeking.