I just want to thank all of those who read my blog.
I want to thank those who have felt compelled to write me. Whether it's to offer words of encouragement or to thank me for something on my blog.
Infertility is the single toughest journey I've had to take in my life. My mom used to tell me that I had a wall built up around me which is why I was so strong. I wouldn't let anything hurt me. Over the years, that wall has been broken and is no longer a part of my life. So much has happened in my life to break that wall.
My husband, is the single greatest person I know. He loves everything about me and has not ever judged me, even in those moments when I seemed to be losing it all. I know that it's difficult to see any positive in a situation that has hurt so much. But, the more I think about it, the joy and the positive in my life is my husband. It may sound sappy and needy, but I need to be around him. He makes everything about my life better. He cries with me when we have a failed cycle. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling. He loves me unconditionally.
I'm lucky that I don't have to go through this journey alone. Even though, I've certainly taken this harder and dwelled on it longer than my husband, I know that we're a team. We're solid and we've done nothing but grow together for this experience.
Maybe the lesson in all of this is appreciation. Appreciation for the love that I go home to every day. Appreciation for that fact that we have never once argued about our infertility. Appreciation for the couple we have become and the foundation we've built together.
My biggest hurdle at the moment is my faith. This is something that I have touched on a lot in therapy. I've always been told, "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time". I no longer believe those things. Well, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Which leads me to question everything I've been raised to know and believe. I know how important faith is. But, when I want answers, dammit, I want answers. I've never been one to be very patient. It's my nature to be impulsive. I am an Aries for crying out loud. I never thought that infertility would be the reason why my faith would be so shaken. I'm desperately trying to hold onto something. I never thought my mom would be OK with me telling her that I wasn't sure I believed in God any more. But she was. She has been great in trying to tell me that I'll eventually find myself again. It will just take some time.
I will find myself again. I will find my happiness.
So again, thank you to those who have read my blog and been touched by it one way or another. The support is amazing. You rock.
11 comments:
I stumbled upon your blog a couple weeks ago, and your story is so similar to mine. I just posted a blog on Conceive online that was a letter to my church friends. I just don't understand why God would not want to have a loving couple have a child, but it seems that everyone else seems to get what they want. Wow! Got a bit deep there...sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and that I completely understand. I'm an infertile Aries as well.
This is a pretty amazing community of women, isn't it? I am always so touched by the women I've met, as you are.
After our many miscarriages and all the IF, I started speaking with my therapist about the same thing: the loss of the "there is a reason for everything!" mentality. At first it was really terrifying, and I still reflect on how my belief in predetermination has disappeared.
I am so glad you and your husband are strengthened and are holding each other up during this time.
YOU will find your happiness. I know you will.
Big hugs and many thanks for the kind words to me.
First of all, *hugs* It's great to see you at this point. Sometimes it is just so hard. Appreciating the good things in your life is so important.
Thank you Kerri, for being strong enough to share going through this with all of us out here in the blog world. Your strength is truly inspiring!
Always here for you. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for sharing all of this, you are an amazing person. Sometimes it is not anything we can figure out just what we have to accept and move onto the next hurdle. It is a grieving process and you will make it out on the other side!! I wish you much love and happiness!
Once I starting reading this post, I felt like I was looking into my life. I hate how IF has affected every aspects of our lives. I too, am seeing a therapist and we are no longer actively trying after 7 yrs...
(((HUGS)))
ICLW
The thank you is mutual! I haven't been here (as in the IF blogosphere/ALI blogroll), but I've felt so welcomed and received immense support in such a short amount of time. This is such an amazing group of women. Good luck and (((HUGS)))!
ICLW
I'm sorry I've been MIA lately, but I've definitely been thinking of you.
It's sounds like you have a wonderful support group that's very close to you. As difficult as this IF journey has been, I will say that it has made my love for my husband and the strength of my marriage that much stronger. I'm so glad you've found the same.
Hang in there!
I just found your blog through ICLW, and I'm actually grappling with the same things you touched on in this post. My faith is shaken, and my lifelong belief about "everything happens for a reason" is being tested to the core. And, through it all, I love my husband more and more each day. (And I also think that sound so corny, but it's so TRUE.) I can't believe how solid we've become.
I think IVF tries everyone's faith. I have found that it has strengthen mine over the years. And no matter how bitter or angry we become at God, He will always love us.
I am in no way trying to preach to you. I just want you to know that what you are feeling is very normal. I agree with your mom, you will find your faith again...in your own time.
p.s. love your blog. signed up to be a follower.
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