I just want to thank all of those who read my blog.
I want to thank those who have felt compelled to write me. Whether it's to offer words of encouragement or to thank me for something on my blog.
Infertility is the single toughest journey I've had to take in my life. My mom used to tell me that I had a wall built up around me which is why I was so strong. I wouldn't let anything hurt me. Over the years, that wall has been broken and is no longer a part of my life. So much has happened in my life to break that wall.
My husband, is the single greatest person I know. He loves everything about me and has not ever judged me, even in those moments when I seemed to be losing it all. I know that it's difficult to see any positive in a situation that has hurt so much. But, the more I think about it, the joy and the positive in my life is my husband. It may sound sappy and needy, but I need to be around him. He makes everything about my life better. He cries with me when we have a failed cycle. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling. He loves me unconditionally.
I'm lucky that I don't have to go through this journey alone. Even though, I've certainly taken this harder and dwelled on it longer than my husband, I know that we're a team. We're solid and we've done nothing but grow together for this experience.
Maybe the lesson in all of this is appreciation. Appreciation for the love that I go home to every day. Appreciation for that fact that we have never once argued about our infertility. Appreciation for the couple we have become and the foundation we've built together.
My biggest hurdle at the moment is my faith. This is something that I have touched on a lot in therapy. I've always been told, "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time". I no longer believe those things. Well, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Which leads me to question everything I've been raised to know and believe. I know how important faith is. But, when I want answers, dammit, I want answers. I've never been one to be very patient. It's my nature to be impulsive. I am an Aries for crying out loud. I never thought that infertility would be the reason why my faith would be so shaken. I'm desperately trying to hold onto something. I never thought my mom would be OK with me telling her that I wasn't sure I believed in God any more. But she was. She has been great in trying to tell me that I'll eventually find myself again. It will just take some time.
I will find myself again. I will find my happiness.
So again, thank you to those who have read my blog and been touched by it one way or another. The support is amazing. You rock.