Pain and Praise

I've been away for a week. Not away from home or anything. But just away. I knew what was coming and have had a hard time adjusting to the fact that our IVF failed. We officially got word of our BFN today. I cried when the nurse hugged me today when I told her that Not only was I not pregnant but today is Cycle Day 1. A Painful CD1 in so many ways. The physical and emotional.

I ran acrossed a quote yesterday that fit exactly how I felt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain." - Jennifer Aniston

I know that I will never get to meet my babies that I tried to protect for the last two weeks. But I loved them. I loved that even though their way of being concieved was unconventional, the fact that DH and I created life. Even though it was short. I won't pretend that I didn't think about how wonderful it would have been for both of those babies to nestle into me for the duration. We have officially suffered our first failed IVF.

Failure... Something I have a tremendous probelm with. I've never really failed at anything that I've put my mind too. I've put my mind towards becoming a mother and making my little family whole, but so far, I've failed. For four years. It's not something that I know how to adapt to. You never have to tell me how to do something more than once. So why is infertility so hard? My husband keeps telling me that I didn't fail and that I shouldn't think like that because I did what I was supposed to do... and it just didn't work. But, what I keep telling him is that I just can't help the way I feel. It's failure. One way or the other. I failed. My body failed.

We have our WTF appointment on September 3. I'm not in a rush to go in and discuss whatever my RE has to say. I love our clinic and I think the doctors there are the best in the area. I have no plans on moving clinics, but right now I have no plans on jumping into another cycle right now. We are in desperate need of a break. I told DH long ago, if this IVF didn't work, I wanted us to take a wonderful vacation. So we are. For our 6th (technically 11th) anniversary we are heading on a week long Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece. We have no clue what our future holds but we are certain we are supposed to be parents. My best friend told me that God just isn't done with our baby yet. So that just means, he/she will be extra special...

In the meantime, DH and I are going to see an infertility counselor tomorrow. She is VERY highly regarded in our area and only specializes in infertility. We have both been having a difficult time and I think that wearing a smile on our face for the last 4 years has really worn on us. We've very excited to see what she has to share. She is also the RESOLVE chairperson in our area.


In other news... I have been awarded 4 Lovely Blog awards this week from:

Eileen, BB, Jenicini, Melissa G

I've never been awarded anything... :) I'm very honored that these ladies choose my blog as one to recognize...

The Rules for the On Lovely Blog Award are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award along to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award. I have a hard time coming up with 15 just because my mind isn't quite unfogged yet, so I'm going to pick 5...I'm a little late in the giving game, but I still wanted to recognize my daily reads...

1. baby, interrupted
2. Tubeless in Seattle
3. All Things Griffin I know she awarded me one, but I love her blog :)
4. It's Only Life
5. Waiting for Snuggle Bug


'Murgdan' said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. That negative is so so painful.

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry. i have been right where you are. and i'm not sure i'm over it. it is devastating.

it is great that you are going to a counselor. i think that IF is the biggest mindf*ck there is.

i know what you mean, totally, about putting your mind to something and then making it happen...except for this. this is just beyond frustrating.

i hope your WTF appointment reveals some answers and a new plan. best of luck.


Melissa G said...

I am so very sorry. My heart is absolutely broken for you. You deserved this SO much.

I wish I could fix this for you. Help in some way... Please just know that I am here for you if you ever need anything. Bloggyme027@gmail.com

BIG, Big Hugs.

Melissa G said...

Oh and thank you for the award. You are incredibly sweet to think of other bloggers at a time like this...

Thinking of you.

SANDRA said...

You have been in my thoughts and been keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'm so sorry. Just know that lots of people are caring about you. Love and Prayers, SnuggleBug's grandma.

twondra said...

I'm soooo sorry sweetie. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. We're all here for you. (((HUGS)))