Infertility Counseling 101

I must first say that I highly recommend Infertility Counseling to any and all couples experiencing infertility. I know that I've felt more free since speaking to someone. But, what I enjoy most is the information that I get out of my husband. He talks more. He's more open. It's wonderful. For those few small things, I am grateful. I think that we understand each other a little better now. I think that he finally knows that I really value his thoughts and opinions. After all, this is our journey.

Rick and I are going to start going to RESOLVE meetings. They meet once a month, so our first meeting is this upcoming Wednesday. I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. I kind of envision this like an AA meeting. 'Hi, I'm Kerri and this is my husband, Rick... and I'm broken..." Then the whole crowd responds with "Hi Kerri."

Now that we've ventured into the world of donors, it's a conversation that we've touched a couple times but not completely yet. I've been researching donor eggs for months. I don't know why. I guess part of me has been preparing myself that this might be the route we go. I know that I've been a "poor responder" since we started our IUI's. And, I've always known that this journey would not be easy. It was one of the first things I told my husband about when we started talking about marriage when we were dating. He loves me anyway... :)

I've become a huge advocate of counseling in just the short amount of time we've been going. It's been a wonderful portal for both me and Rick. We've been able to talk about things that we might not have thought about. We've been able to voice concerns that we might not have been able to say to one another. As devastating a journey as it has been, I'm so proud and blessed that we've come through this stronger. We know that where ever our journey leads us, we'll go through it together.

Positive Restructuring

... this is what we discussed in therapy today.

How talked about how to replace the negative thoughts and quieting my brain in order to replace them with positive uplifting thoughts.

When a negative thought starts to intrude my brain such as my revelation today that "maybe I'm not meant to be a mother because maybe God doesn't think I'll be able to care for or protect my children."

I'm supposed to replace that thought with something that is logical and true... such as... "Although I'm not pregnant yet, I know that it isn't hopeless in my quest to become a mother and that I know when I do become a mother I will be a great mother and influence on my children."

I went to therapy by myself today. Rick stayed home. Today's appointment was all about me. We touched on much more than infertility. We touched on some deep under laying issues many of which stem from long ago. Apparently, I'm much more sensitive than I ever thought I was. I harbor resentment and hurt from years ago and have never let those wounds heal which affect me still today. I had a lot to say when I first walked in. Not so much when I left. Just trying to take everything in. I felt better when I left. I talked about things I never thought about before. I talked about things that I've told very few people. She listened intently. Kindly.

When I left, she told me that I made some major progress. ..

(insert word here) Fails Me...

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Pain and Praise

I've been away for a week. Not away from home or anything. But just away. I knew what was coming and have had a hard time adjusting to the fact that our IVF failed. We officially got word of our BFN today. I cried when the nurse hugged me today when I told her that Not only was I not pregnant but today is Cycle Day 1. A Painful CD1 in so many ways. The physical and emotional.

I ran acrossed a quote yesterday that fit exactly how I felt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain." - Jennifer Aniston

I know that I will never get to meet my babies that I tried to protect for the last two weeks. But I loved them. I loved that even though their way of being concieved was unconventional, the fact that DH and I created life. Even though it was short. I won't pretend that I didn't think about how wonderful it would have been for both of those babies to nestle into me for the duration. We have officially suffered our first failed IVF.

Failure... Something I have a tremendous probelm with. I've never really failed at anything that I've put my mind too. I've put my mind towards becoming a mother and making my little family whole, but so far, I've failed. For four years. It's not something that I know how to adapt to. You never have to tell me how to do something more than once. So why is infertility so hard? My husband keeps telling me that I didn't fail and that I shouldn't think like that because I did what I was supposed to do... and it just didn't work. But, what I keep telling him is that I just can't help the way I feel. It's failure. One way or the other. I failed. My body failed.

We have our WTF appointment on September 3. I'm not in a rush to go in and discuss whatever my RE has to say. I love our clinic and I think the doctors there are the best in the area. I have no plans on moving clinics, but right now I have no plans on jumping into another cycle right now. We are in desperate need of a break. I told DH long ago, if this IVF didn't work, I wanted us to take a wonderful vacation. So we are. For our 6th (technically 11th) anniversary we are heading on a week long Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece. We have no clue what our future holds but we are certain we are supposed to be parents. My best friend told me that God just isn't done with our baby yet. So that just means, he/she will be extra special...

In the meantime, DH and I are going to see an infertility counselor tomorrow. She is VERY highly regarded in our area and only specializes in infertility. We have both been having a difficult time and I think that wearing a smile on our face for the last 4 years has really worn on us. We've very excited to see what she has to share. She is also the RESOLVE chairperson in our area.

***************************

In other news... I have been awarded 4 Lovely Blog awards this week from:

Eileen, BB, Jenicini, Melissa G

I've never been awarded anything... :) I'm very honored that these ladies choose my blog as one to recognize...

The Rules for the On Lovely Blog Award are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award along to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award. I have a hard time coming up with 15 just because my mind isn't quite unfogged yet, so I'm going to pick 5...I'm a little late in the giving game, but I still wanted to recognize my daily reads...

1. baby, interrupted
2. Tubeless in Seattle
3. All Things Griffin I know she awarded me one, but I love her blog :)
4. It's Only Life
5. Waiting for Snuggle Bug