Unwavering Inspiration

I've been following a family in Jacksonville, FL for quite some time now. A photographer that I am very fond of (Scarlett Lillian), what I wouldn't give to shoot with her for a wedding!

Her father was diagnosed last year with terminal lung cancer and made his way home on February 21, 2009. Her mother, Rene, was diagnosed in 2004 with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. She has been through a lot. And is currently in remission, which is a immense blessing.

Scarlett and Rene are training to run a marathon on the year anniversary of their father and husband's passing. I hope that I am able to find the strength and inspiration to complete our journey... one way or the other.

I implore you to follow each of them, what a blessing they are to have each other. I wish them the best of luck in their training.

Oh Friday... How I Love Thee

I must say. The last 6 weeks or so have been odd. Just plain odd. I don't know how to describe most of it. I can only blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde (only for another few days though! But, hell... It's Friday and I couldn't be happier.

I admit however, that not focusing on ttc has been wonderful. It's been relaxing. I never realized just how much I thought about it until I stopped thinking about it. I'm happy to report that I feel like my stress level is way down and thus, my blood pressure has normalized without the need for meds (since I stopped taking them after starting the Wellbutrin because I started getting heart palpitations.)I'm very thankful for that.

Unfortunately, I have gained a few pounds that I'm not happy with. So, it's back on the wagon.

I feel so incredibly boring at the moment. I don't have much to talk about. Just a nice weekend spent relaxing and with friends (and of course my loves).

Just wanted to share a couple photos with you of my babies (I had to try out my new lens!) I don't think I've ever mentioned that I'm a photographer. Ha! Look at that... It gives me sanity and focus. Sophie is my little model. As soon as she sees my camera she's posing. Quincy however, hates the camera but obliged because I begged...

Sophie...



Quincy...



BTW - If you didn't watch Modern Family or Cougar Town Wednesday night... Start watching them. They were super funny. Cougar Town was hysterical. One of the funniest shows I've seen in a while (besides The Office). They will not disappoint.

Weirdness all around

What a month September has been! Frankly, I can't believe it is almost over...

First off, I would like to welcome all ICLW participants. You can read more about me here...

There isn't too much going on in our IF world right now. Just waiting for AF to start so I can go get some blood work done. I'll be calling RE in the next couple days if she hasn't started by then. I really think all the stress over the last couple months is hindering her ever so lovely appearance...

DH and I are also looking to move. We're going to attempt to sell our home... Why you ask? Long story. But, we feel it's time to move on from this house. We both feel like it has a negative energy. We've had nothing but really bad luck since we moved in. Plus, we've absolutely outgrown this place.

Oh! Happy Fall... I'm extremely envious of those of you who live in the Northern states who are already experiencing cooler weather. We are still in the 90's with insane humidity. My poor dogs would love some cooler weather. You know it's bad when your dogs only want to go outside to do their business then come right back in. Poor babies.

RESOLVE

Rick and I went to our first RESOLVE meeting last week. To make a long story short we had such a wonderful time. Everyone had stories to share. Everyone understood exactly where the other was coming from. It was so reassuring and comforting to sit in a room with people who absolutely understood us.

This past weekend we were actually invited out to dinner with our new group of friends. And we felt like we had known them for years. It was great. 5 couples sharing stories, laughs and udnerstanding.

I highly recommend that if you don't already belong to a RESOLVE group that you find one in your area and go.

Emotional Trainwreck

Yeah, my emotions are ALL over the place. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm in tears. As strange as it might sound, it's not so much about the recent development in our infertility journey. It's about my baby boy. I lack the words to accurately describe how much this dog has made an impact on our lives.

You see, Quincy had led a rough life before we rescued him. He was abused and neglected. He was nothing but a big red bag of bones when we got him. My step dad nicknamed him Quincy Bones (a la Quincy Jones). This is a boy who wants absolutely nothing more than to be loved. There is not a person that he has met whose life he has not impacted. Everyone lives Quincy. Everyone is devastated that this is result we've come to.

Rick has been researching a book that we purchased, The Dog Cancer Survival Guide. He is devising a holistic treatment plan. Neither of us believe in chemotherapy and radiation for him. We do not believe that it will improve his quality of life and would keep him sicker for a short while after and we want to enjoy what we have left with him. Not to mention it's outrageously expensive. We just don't have the money to do it. We know however, that once there is a change in his demeanor or he appears to be in pain or any sort of discomfort it will be time to send our sweet boy home.

We hope that the Lord will let us have at least another year with him. We are better individuals and a better couple having taken care of him. We can't wait to make the most of our time with him. I'm actually in the midst of hiring our wedding photographer to do a family session with Quincy. He tends to be a camera shy boy and I'm hoping that with someone else on the other side of the camera and Rick and I with him, he'll come out of his shell.

Well, Can This Year BE Any Worse?

Failed IUI's - $5,500+
Surgery to check lady parts - $18,000
Failed IVF - $14,500
Being told biological children are probably not in my future - Priceless
Being told that my beloved dog, Quincy (the second love of my life) has Nasal Cancer and is only expected to live another 2-4 months just 5 days later- EVEN MORE PRICELESS...

What a fucking year this has been... What a fucking WEEK this has been...

Seriously... I'm not sure how much more heartache two people can take at the moment...

Infertility Counseling 101

I must first say that I highly recommend Infertility Counseling to any and all couples experiencing infertility. I know that I've felt more free since speaking to someone. But, what I enjoy most is the information that I get out of my husband. He talks more. He's more open. It's wonderful. For those few small things, I am grateful. I think that we understand each other a little better now. I think that he finally knows that I really value his thoughts and opinions. After all, this is our journey.

Rick and I are going to start going to RESOLVE meetings. They meet once a month, so our first meeting is this upcoming Wednesday. I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. I kind of envision this like an AA meeting. 'Hi, I'm Kerri and this is my husband, Rick... and I'm broken..." Then the whole crowd responds with "Hi Kerri."

Now that we've ventured into the world of donors, it's a conversation that we've touched a couple times but not completely yet. I've been researching donor eggs for months. I don't know why. I guess part of me has been preparing myself that this might be the route we go. I know that I've been a "poor responder" since we started our IUI's. And, I've always known that this journey would not be easy. It was one of the first things I told my husband about when we started talking about marriage when we were dating. He loves me anyway... :)

I've become a huge advocate of counseling in just the short amount of time we've been going. It's been a wonderful portal for both me and Rick. We've been able to talk about things that we might not have thought about. We've been able to voice concerns that we might not have been able to say to one another. As devastating a journey as it has been, I'm so proud and blessed that we've come through this stronger. We know that where ever our journey leads us, we'll go through it together.

Well, That Just F*cking Sucks...

Today was our WTF appointment with RE. Due to the way our IVF went, he doesn't recommend going through another one. He thinks that the quality of my eggs leaves A LOT to be desired. So, he recommends other options. Egg donation or Adoption.

While both sound great to most. Adoption is not on the table for us as a couple. At least not yet. We have nothing against it. We just don't feel like it is the right direction for us.

Egg donation however, is something totally different. This is something that we (at the moment) are OK with pursuing.

I delivered the news to my mom today, who understandably took it pretty hard. I'm right there with her. I've always thought about what it would be like to have my own baby. Right now, that thought isn't even really in my head at the moment. I know that miracles happen. So, Rick and I will keep doing what we're doing and maybe, just maybe, we'll get that miracle.