Crash and Burn

Today our dreams were crushed. None of our embryos divided.

Apparently, there is still a small bit of hope. But not much.

Our hearts are broken. Today our journey ended without even a chance.

Not sure for how long. But a long while.

Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and good thoughts.

I'm just sorry we don't have better news.

Day After Retrieval

We got one of the most nerve wracking phone calls around 9:31am from our Embryologist. He informed us that out of the 5 eggs that were retrieved, 4 were mature and 4 fertilized.


YES!!!

What a relief that was... But now... several hurdles down... a mile more to go! Tomorrow we should hear out of the 4 how many divided. Hopefully all 4 divided. That would be the best blessing.

As of this morning... this is what our babies looked like... Cute little one celled zygotes.

The waiting for tomorrows phone call will be sheer torture.

Please God, protect our babies... let them thrive and grow!!

It's Been a Day

The day started at 4:30am. We got up, got dressed and drug our asses to the hospital for our retreival. We got to the hospital at our scheduled time of 5:30 and we were brought back to the pre-op room rather quickly. After changing from my street clothes into my gown, they started prepping me. I tend to get quirky before any sort of 'surgical' prcedure. So I proceded to crack jokes. Joke. Joke. Joke. I had the majority of the staff in stitches. It's my defense mechanisim when I get nervous.

Around 7 am, Dr. P walked in looking snazzy. Apparently he was so exhausted he forgot half of his access credentials . It was kinda funny. They wheeled me into the OR and pretty soon I was out. I don't even remember it.

HOWEVER....

I was abruptly made aware that a needle was being jabbed through my uterus at the very beginning. I was so out of it I couldn't open my eyes, but I felt and heard everything they did and said. It wasn't painful because I was out of it, but it was uncomfortable. I attribute this to the fact that my family has a pretty high tolerance for anesthetics.

They ended up with 5 eggs out of 7 follicles. We are happy with 5. We hoped for more, but beggars can't be choosers. Right now, we are on pins and needles for tomorrow morning in order to find out the status of our potential babies... If all goes well, our transfer will be Monday morning...

Please God, protect our babies...

Oh Shit...

... and so it begins...

The worrying has set in...

Now that I have triggered...

We've got...

*** Will I spontaneously ovulate???

Then after that comes...

*** How many eggs will actually be retrieved???

Then...

*** Will the quality of the eggs will be good enough???

*** Will they fertilize???

*** Will the keep growing???

*** How many will there be to transfer???

*** How many will we be able to freeze???

We will find out tomorrow... Must be at the hospital at 05:30AM... Going nighty night...

The Winds of Change

Holy Shit...

These are the only words that keep going through my mind. I seriously cannot believe it. This cycle has been such a roller coaster. It's hard to even put it into the right words. We had our follow-up this morning with Dr. P. where we were convinced he would suggest IUI and attempt another cycle of IVF down the line, IF the IUI didn't work. I was probed for about the 100th time in the last 6 months. My lining is still kinda thin, but I'm staying on the Estridol to help.

Once Dr. P. got in there he silently measured each follicle. He then sat back scratched his head and said Wow... and started reading off the sizes of each follicle. I have 5 REALLY big follies and several that are right behind and could catch up. Dr. P. expressed how impressed he was at our turn around. He suggested that we continue with IVF. After thinking about it, Rick and I agreed to that IVF is our best shot. I still can't believe that this is where we are back to. It seemed so improbable Monday and to be here 2 days later scheduled for Egg Retrieval Friday morning and transfer Monday. I know that having 5 follies (22, 20, 19, 17, 16) isn't the greatest of odds, but we're hoping that a few more of the follies (14x2, 12-13x2) will continue to grow until Friday morning and be ripe and ready to be plucked! It's not too much to expect seeing as I had a couple foolies grow 6-8 in just two days... tee hee

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As for jury duty, I did not get picked (luckily!), I did however have to set in a prospective pool of jurors for a Murder 1 trial. It would have been an interesting case had I been picked, but I had to tell the court about our IUI/potential IVF because there would have been nothing I could do to stop it...

Coming to you Live From...

J U R Y D U T Y

(Welcome ICLW'ers! Find out more about me here...)

Yes... I've been called for my civil responsibility directly in the middle of our IVF (now IUI). That's right.... on top of everything going on right now, God thought it would be fun for me to be a part of this while all hopped up on fertility drugs. God forbid I get called to a jury that I have to sit on... Bastards better not piss a girl off... But, the silver lining in all of this is: my step brother and aunt both work for the State Attorney so hopefully if I get called, I will be excused due to this information. Apparently, defense teams don't like people like me...

I'm sitting in the jury room at the moment, watching the introduction video. The room is packed and they are pretty strict, I mean... you can't even bring in a drink or any sort of food. It's already getting hot in here which means it will be a tough day for me. The heat and I do not get along. I get flush and anxious... and add the injects and MAN! Not good...

Barring being called for a Jury... I'll be heading back to RE tomorrow morning for my next and hopefully last b/w and u/s appointment. Hoping that we'll be able to trigger and head back for an IUI in the next couple days. Not only that but I'm pretty sure that I am going to be asking RE for a double IUI. Not sure what they think about it, but I think it could be one of the best things for us...

Anyone have experience with double IUIs???

7 Words No One Wants to Hear

We. Might. Have. To. Cancel. Your. IVF.

WTF?!? These are the words that we heard today. While my RE found 11 follicles which was a large improvement from the 6 on Friday only 2 of them pretty much had any chance of becoming fully mature. RE sat back and explained his frustration with my cycle. He suggested that we convert to an IUI. He admittedly stated that I needed to be on a higher dosage of meds if and when we go attempt another IVF. He knows how upset we are. We've spent so much time and money this cycle not to mention the emotional aspect.

Right now the plan is to stay on the same dose of meds until Wednesday. Go back Wednesday morning for another E2 check and scan and hopefully be able to trigger for another IUI Thursday or Friday. Hoping for Friday to go back that way I can have a nice 3 day weekend.

I spent my day crying. I could barely contain myself . I'm shocked I was able to make it through the day. I know that it might sound over the top and highly dramatic seeing as we aren't totally cancelled for this cycle, but this has officially become the most expensive IUI in history...

No (good) words

Yesterday was our follow-up follie scan. If you remember I had 14 follicles just hanging out Tuesday. Friday only 5 worth a damn. 5... Oh! did I mention that my lining was only 3.9?

right: 14
left: 13, 12,11,8

After getting probed for the 76th time. I got dressed and walked across the hallway with Rick. We sat down in only what I can describe as the 'collection' room if you get my drift. Our nurse came in a started discussing our meds with us since I only had enough to get me through last night. She comes in and sits down and the tears start to roll. She tried to calm me down by telling me that it's still early and that there is still plenty of time. But that bullshit doesn't help me. I know that I am a bad patient when it comes to googling, but I read others blogs and I read statistics. I know that Rick and I have put everything that we have into this IVF, literally. We had to split the cost of our new meds onto 2 credit cards last night. Several of our credit card companies have closed our accounts recently without any notification. Just another great indication of our wonderful economy.

When her talking to me didn't help, Dr. P came in. He sat down to try and calm my fears. He said he isn't worried about our cycle at this time. My body need some more time to respond. Since I'm PCO they don't want to push it too much since I can explode at any time apparently. My E2 level went up quite nicely in a couple days but still has a ways to go, it sits at 196.22. I had a shitty day at work. And after the credit card fiasco last night I figured that maybe God was trying to tell us something. Rick and I discussed it and neither of us think the lesson is patience. But more and more I am thinking that the lesson might just be to have Faith. It's hard to lift everything up to God and let him handle it. So we are just going to go with the flow and let Him handle things.

Monday is our follow-up. Maybe we'll find out more then.

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Tonight is going to be a fun night for me. I get to go hang out and have dinner with my best girls. As life goes on, we don't have as much time to spend with each other. So we take what we can get these days. So, I'm off to take a short nap and then get ready for dinner at Bella's!

Who knew sitting was considered a luxury?!?

This is the question that I have been asking myself for the last several days. I actually had to ask a co-worker to tie my shoes for me yesterday. I absolutely could not bend over to reach them. Nothing like asking someone 20 years your senior to reach down and tie your shoes for you. There's a confidence booster for ya!

It's been an interesting few days. I've been very fidgety and can't seem to sit in one place for too long. Not to mention that I feel like I'm ghettofied right now. I'm leaning so far back in my chair I can barely reach my keyboard. Ha!

I've officially completed my second acupuncture appointment this week. I've been a faithful acupuncture follower for over a year now. I have very high hopes that acupuncture will be what puts us over the edge and makes our bean/beans stick.

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We feel very blessed to be given this opportunity to go through IVF. It it wasn't for my mom, we wouldn't be taking this journey right now. Rick and I have opted to invite our mothers along for the Transfer so they can be a part of it as well. They are both looking forward to it. Rick and I are most looking forward to bring home a photo or two of our little blastocysts. How many people can say that they have photos of their kids from right after they were conceived??

I can't wait to have the "Where did I come from?" conversation. What an interesting story that will be for our kid/kids. I can see it now... "Well, you see little Johnny... while most mommies and daddies get to have fun making babies, you were made possible by a needle and a talented Embryologist. Oh and don't let me forget Kym, my lovely acupuncturist who moved my chi in order to get you to stick"

Happy Dance....

Today was follie scan #2. While I've spent the last 5 days freaking out about my inital antral follicle count, my fears were eased today by Dr. Silva. During my scan he stated that my right ovary still had 4 follicles and then he spent a lot of time looking at my left ovary. I immediately began thinking that it was over and that my left ovary was still sleeping....

that is until he started counting... he counted 1-10 quicker than I could blink... 10 FREAKING FOLLICLES. In a year my left ovary has shown no signs of life until today! Dr Silva stated that since I am AO, it is very common for women to have little to no antrals on the baseline but that if I still didn't have much today THEN it would be time to worry I was so happy I could barely contain myself. I was so happy I did a happy dance while STILL in the stirrups.

I got a call back this afternoon with my E2 numbers. A very small rise. Only up to 68. They have now upped my dose to 225IU Gonal F and 150IU Menopur nightly. I go back in Friday at 9 for follow-up bloodwork and another scan.

I'm so excited that there is progress. Just hoping for A LOT more progress Friday morning!

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IVF Progress to Date
July 8 - Baseline b/w and scan... yielded 4 antral follicles on right ovary/left ovary 'quiet'
July 12 - E2 Level - 55
July 14 - Follow-up b/w and scan... yielded 4 follies on right ovary/10 follies on left ovary

Coming up...
July 17 - B/w and Scan at 9:00

Please God... Don't Fail Me Now

I'm a constant worrier... I know I know... This isn't the time to worry. But, I can't help it... I am...
I'm worried about my antral follicle count. I'm not sure how much clout I should put into it. I asked the Nurse today while she was taking my blood for my E2 levels. She told me not to worry until I hear the results of my next ultrasound, which is Tuesday. She said that since I haven't been stimming a lower number isn't out of the ordinary. I hope she is right.

I'm now worried about my E2 levels. The on-call RE called with my results and informed me that they are at 55 (after 3 days of stimming). It sounds kinda low to me and I didn't really think enough to ask more. They want me to come back in Tuesday for a followup ultrasound. AF ended yesterday, so I'm not sure if this could have played a part in the low number or not. But I'm really hoping that things are looking good Tuesday and that we're going to be on our way to a completed IVF cycle. I'm hoping that more antral follicles are popping up.

I'm pretty confident that perhaps they will be upping my meds. I understand that they like to be cautious with PCO patients, but I don't have the time or the money to for them to be overly cautious. I will need to stress my concern with low numbers and hope that they up my meds. We shall see...

3... 2... 1...

POKE!

Day #1 stim down... Rick and I went through the process together. It was nice to share the experience with him. I was nervous and apprehensive at the same time. Things were just as I remembered but now there is triple everything. I have a feeling, I'm going to be very tired of poking myself 3 times a day, but I know that it is for the greater good.

Rick's family vacations yearly about 10 minutes from our house. So we will be spending the majority of the weekend with them. It will be interesting to do all of our shots without the family finding out. Rick's parents are the only ones who know what we're going through in his family.

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We extended the invitation to both of our mother's yesterday to attend our transfer with us. We're excited to have them along for the ride. :)

We Have Liftoff

Today we tightened the IVF belt one more notch. Today was our baseline scan and blood work. I'm a chronic Googler. I google everything. I spent most of the weekend googling everything from antral follicles to IVF/ICSI stats.

When we arrived at the RE's office, we were ushered right back into the exam room. I went through the unceremonious task of undressing from the waist down, hopping up onto the exam table and scooching down the end of the table. It's always much more comforting to have Rick there with me. My favorite nurse came in to draw my blood. I expressed my fears to her and she easily calmed them for me. I asked her about antral follicles and if they were necessary (during our 3rd IUI I didn't have any at my baseline), she explained that because of suppressing the body on Lupron, you don't always see a lot or any. She told me not to worry and that with the increased meds, I should respond as inspected.

My RE is on vacation this week so I was supposed to see another RE, but he was running a smidge late because of the weather. Another doctor was there to perform my u/s. They first checked my lining which was at 5. They started to count antrals on my right ovary and got to 4 before stopping and just noting multiple antrals. I have a potential lazy left ovary. My left ovary has never produced a follicle in any of my scans. My right ovary seems to be the workhorse. I've asked my RE about this before and he said that we will have to wait and see how the left responds to the increased dose of meds. I'm hoping that it will wake from it's slumber and help us out...

I finally got my phone call regarding my b/w results and finally got the green light. All of my stressing and worrying this weekend for nothing. I felt a HUGE relief when she called and said that I can start stimming tomorrow night!

I go back on Sunday for follow up b/w to see how I'm responding. I'm hoping that we move right along and GET ER DONE!!! WOO HOO!!

Independence Day

There are so many meanings to the term. But, during this time it's kind of bittersweet, for us anyway. I don't know if I speak for Rick, but I'm pretty sure that I do... We feel like slaves to the cycle. I personally feel like a human pin cushion. And I'm pretty sure that being asked to make a 'deposit' in a sterile plastic cup on demand can't be too pleasing either.

We are thankful for many things in our lives. First and foremost being blessed with each other. Finding your soul mate at 19 is a pretty awesome thing. Knowing that nothing makes as much sense as being together (except for adding a baby or two to the bunch) is just fine for us...

This week... we are SUPPOSED to be begin our stimming process... Here's hoping that Wednesdays appointment goes as planned.... I have yet to being AF, I've read where some women have a small bit of spotting, others have full flow and some have nothing at all. I'll be putting a call into my RE tomorrow in order to make sure that we'll still be on track...

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Show Your Ugly Face..... DAMMIT!!!

I have officially been on Lupron for 9 days... So far... AF has not shown up. Bitch needs to hurry up and get here! I feel like she's lurking in the background. But I think that she likes to mess with me... She knows that I'm supposed to start my stimming next week. Totally frustrating...

I went to acupuncture last night and informed her that she needed to kick it in to high gear to get AF here. I felt closer to starting last night. She informed me to keep massaging the inside of my legs so before going to bed last night I massaged my legs for about 5 minutes each.

Here's hoping that she comes sometime today or tomorrow.

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This is the second weekend that Rick and I don't have much planned. It is my hope that we keep most weekends free during this process, the weeks are stressful enough and to add a full weekend on top of that.... I find no relaxation in any of that.

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Lupron: As I said earlier, this is day 9. My headaches have started to subside and the night sweats aren't as bad. I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't snapped at anyone. I've remained pretty clam during everything. Trust me, I know that this is just the beginning and we have a long road ahead...

Rick and I don't hide the fact that we're infertile. Though he might not be very big on telling people that he's half the problem... I do think that it has been easier on us to know that we both share responsibility. I've become very focused on trying to educate people. Sometime in having the 'We're Infertile' conversation with people, we get looks like they can't believe some of our stories. I frequently say that I should get a posse together and write a book; a sort of collection of infertility successes and failures... I know so many women (and men for that matter) who have stories upon stories... Maybe one day I'll finally figure out how to go about the concept...

:)

I'm alone... again... :)

I've always been the girl who gets up in the morning and goes all day long. Napping for me isn't too much of an option. If a nap occurs, I'm either sick or absolutely exhausted. I happen to live with a man who can pretty much nap anytime anywhere. It gets annoying... LOL

It's currently 2:20 and yet again, I sit here alone. Repeatedly surfing the same websites over and over... This in itself is not proving to be fun. Michael Jackson's death is over shadowing everything. Not only can Rick sleep anytime anywhere... But we have two lovely dogs who of course sleep when he sleeps. hahaha

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In other news... Day #3 of Lupron has me in another funk. Just have a constant bad headache. I'm sleepy, but not sleepy enough to need to take a nap... My eyes are half open half closed due to the massive headache. I've heard a lot about the Lupron fog and I'm literally right in the thick of it... I'm hoping it doesn't last for the next month, but I'm thinking since I'm going to be taking some amount of Lupron throughout the entire process until the ER, it might be here to stay...

Anywho... I'm signing off for the evening... Check back in tomorrow... :)

I need a lighthouse to clear the fog...

Well, today it hit me...

Migraine... check...
Fog like demeanor... check...

It still sucks... Rick is going to be out of town on business Monday-Thursday this upcoming week...

Rick has been taking good care of me... We have no plans for the weekend, which is a pure rarity... Signing off til tomorrow...

IVF Protocal Day #1

Today is cycle day 21... Which means... Day #1 of Lupron. I woke Rick up and we experienced it together. We talked long ago about the fact that we want to go through every step of this together. There are so many things to think about, it's hard to calm my nerves, though I know it's necessary... :)

I'll be back later with how the day went...

Oh! Did I happen to mention that I got my first Jury Summons a couple days ago? Did I happen to mention when the Summons is for? Yeah... Holy Hell... It just so happens to fall the week of our estimated egg retrieval/transfer. Can you believe that? What the hell are the chances.... LOL

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ETA: Today was pretty uneventful in Lupron land. I'm excited about the possibility that it might continue... But that might just be a pipe dream...

Things to come...

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. - Psalm 54:4

This bible verse speaks volumes to me. I've been trying to open my heart more to God. I find myself praying at all times of the day. I've felt better recently than I have in a long time.

I am hoping that my calm will continue throughout our IVF.

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In other news... Rick is off buying clippers for Quincy... We're going to attempt to clip him tonight... EECK!! He has so much fur and this summer is going to be a hot one, we just feel bad that he has to run around wearing a fur coat. If we do an awful job, I'll be sure to take photos to point out our gigantic screw up!! LOL

It's a sign... in my eyes...

I finally got a return phone call from my General Physician's office about my Vitamin D results. It turns out my levels are pretty low and I will need to be on a daily supplement (my prenatal vitamin alone isn't enough). The nurse wanted to make it VERY clear to me that I MUST take this every day. She told me that calcium and Vitamin D are two of the most important supplements that a woman can take.

Rick and I have been reading up plenty about Vitamin D and are very surprised at everything that Vitamin D can control. I was surprised when that list included obesity and hypertension. I'm hoping that maybe I will take off some more weight and my BP will stabilize once I am on a daily regime of this.

I was also very surprised by the fact that it can cause birth defects in pregnant women that have a deficiency. I've been wondering for SO LONG why we haven't been getting pregnant. I know it may seem silly to say that my GP might have saved our baby(ies) lives. I've been asking for signs. I would like to think that my sign came a week and a half ago when my GP called and said that he finally received my records from my old doctor. We were both surprised that I knew nothing of this issue, even though my previous GP ran a Vitamin D test which showed the low levels. I feel like it was a sign, especially before our IVF. I feel so much better knowing that I will have one more defense helping my body become the perfect home for our baby(ies).