Welcome IComLeavWe'ers

You can find more out about me here...

My husband and I have been reflecting on our failed IVF here and there. The wounds aren't as fresh as they were a couple weeks ago. My next worry is what's next? What if our doctor thinks that my eggs truly are bad? Is there any way to help that? I have no clue.

I'm dreading our follow-up appointment. My doctor happens to be a teaching doctor so he always has residents with him. I've always been up for them being a part of everything. But now... For our follow-up... I don't think that I want 2 additional ears in on that conversation. It's going to be a tough afternoon. I've cried enough in front of Dr. P, but I really don't think I'm going to like potentially crying in front of 2 other people I've never seen. I'm just not comfy with that...

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In other news...

I just have to say... I'm sick of hearing about Kourtney Kardashian and her 'shocking' pregnancy. I'm sick of hearing about the 'should I or shouldn't I keep it' stories. Why would you put that out there. I do believe that every woman should have a choice. I know that I don't have to read this stuff... But it takes up time at work, during slow times... Every day it's something new. Nothing like exploiting your kid for everything you can get out of them. I wonder how much People paid her for the stories? I wish it was as simple as 'missing' a pill here and there... and POOF!

Ok... Mini rant over... The Jealous Infertile is rearing her ugly head...

(insert word here) Fails Me...

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Pain and Praise

I've been away for a week. Not away from home or anything. But just away. I knew what was coming and have had a hard time adjusting to the fact that our IVF failed. We officially got word of our BFN today. I cried when the nurse hugged me today when I told her that Not only was I not pregnant but today is Cycle Day 1. A Painful CD1 in so many ways. The physical and emotional.

I ran acrossed a quote yesterday that fit exactly how I felt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain." - Jennifer Aniston

I know that I will never get to meet my babies that I tried to protect for the last two weeks. But I loved them. I loved that even though their way of being concieved was unconventional, the fact that DH and I created life. Even though it was short. I won't pretend that I didn't think about how wonderful it would have been for both of those babies to nestle into me for the duration. We have officially suffered our first failed IVF.

Failure... Something I have a tremendous probelm with. I've never really failed at anything that I've put my mind too. I've put my mind towards becoming a mother and making my little family whole, but so far, I've failed. For four years. It's not something that I know how to adapt to. You never have to tell me how to do something more than once. So why is infertility so hard? My husband keeps telling me that I didn't fail and that I shouldn't think like that because I did what I was supposed to do... and it just didn't work. But, what I keep telling him is that I just can't help the way I feel. It's failure. One way or the other. I failed. My body failed.

We have our WTF appointment on September 3. I'm not in a rush to go in and discuss whatever my RE has to say. I love our clinic and I think the doctors there are the best in the area. I have no plans on moving clinics, but right now I have no plans on jumping into another cycle right now. We are in desperate need of a break. I told DH long ago, if this IVF didn't work, I wanted us to take a wonderful vacation. So we are. For our 6th (technically 11th) anniversary we are heading on a week long Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece. We have no clue what our future holds but we are certain we are supposed to be parents. My best friend told me that God just isn't done with our baby yet. So that just means, he/she will be extra special...

In the meantime, DH and I are going to see an infertility counselor tomorrow. She is VERY highly regarded in our area and only specializes in infertility. We have both been having a difficult time and I think that wearing a smile on our face for the last 4 years has really worn on us. We've very excited to see what she has to share. She is also the RESOLVE chairperson in our area.

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In other news... I have been awarded 4 Lovely Blog awards this week from:

Eileen, BB, Jenicini, Melissa G

I've never been awarded anything... :) I'm very honored that these ladies choose my blog as one to recognize...

The Rules for the On Lovely Blog Award are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award along to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award. I have a hard time coming up with 15 just because my mind isn't quite unfogged yet, so I'm going to pick 5...I'm a little late in the giving game, but I still wanted to recognize my daily reads...

1. baby, interrupted
2. Tubeless in Seattle
3. All Things Griffin I know she awarded me one, but I love her blog :)
4. It's Only Life
5. Waiting for Snuggle Bug

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

Well our journey again has hit EPIC roller coaster proportions... We received a phone call at 7:15 this morning (I made Rick answer the phone). I just kept hearing him say, "OK"... "so 2" "OK, so what does that mean?"... etc. I get out of the bathroom and he goes "we need to get dressed and head down there... 2 of our eggs split."

WTF?!?

Our eggs aren't the best seeing as one is only 2 cells and the other is only 3 when they should be at least 4. BUT, the big news is that they are trying to do something. Our RE thinks that they might thrive better in their "natural environment". So here's hoping that they like my uterus better than the dish!

My mom wanted to remind me of how lazy I was in the womb being 3.5 weeks late and how lazy I was as a kid... Maybe there is something to it...

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I'm a big believer in signs... These have been our signs since they retrieval... Neat huh?

* ER was 7/24/09... My favorite/lucky number is 24
* Transfer was 7/27/09... Rick's birthday is the 27th
* Mary Ann was my pre-op/post -op nurse... Marianne is my MIL
* My OR nurse was Kathy... Kathy is my BFF
* Our Beta is scheduled for 8/7/09... If you add 8+7+9 you get 24

We shall see... Right now... Just sitting back relaxing and watching movies with the hubs...

OH!

Here is Rick in his scrubs with our kokopelli and photos of our babies...

Crash and Burn

Today our dreams were crushed. None of our embryos divided.

Apparently, there is still a small bit of hope. But not much.

Our hearts are broken. Today our journey ended without even a chance.

Not sure for how long. But a long while.

Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and good thoughts.

I'm just sorry we don't have better news.

7 Words No One Wants to Hear

We. Might. Have. To. Cancel. Your. IVF.

WTF?!? These are the words that we heard today. While my RE found 11 follicles which was a large improvement from the 6 on Friday only 2 of them pretty much had any chance of becoming fully mature. RE sat back and explained his frustration with my cycle. He suggested that we convert to an IUI. He admittedly stated that I needed to be on a higher dosage of meds if and when we go attempt another IVF. He knows how upset we are. We've spent so much time and money this cycle not to mention the emotional aspect.

Right now the plan is to stay on the same dose of meds until Wednesday. Go back Wednesday morning for another E2 check and scan and hopefully be able to trigger for another IUI Thursday or Friday. Hoping for Friday to go back that way I can have a nice 3 day weekend.

I spent my day crying. I could barely contain myself . I'm shocked I was able to make it through the day. I know that it might sound over the top and highly dramatic seeing as we aren't totally cancelled for this cycle, but this has officially become the most expensive IUI in history...

Bald?!? WTF???

So... I'm 30 years old... I just noticed a few days ago that my hair was getting pretty thin at the front. Now, mind you I have a TON of freaking hair. I'm so freaked out by the thought of this. But, I'm not losing clumps of hair or anything. I'm not noticing any more falling out than the normal few strands a day.

I've gone over anything new and out of the ordinary in my life. But, nothing sticks out as being a reason I would have thinning hair. My only thoughts are that 1) I have developed a thyroid issue, 2) the after effects from our latest GonalF/IUI, 3) STRESS STRESS STRESS or 4) all of the above. **UGH**

Thankfully, right now I seem to be the only person who notices. But, I really need to figure it out and get it all under control... I really don't want to end up looking like my uncles!!! LOL

**Edit to Add**
I had DH check the side effects of my Beta Blocker and he told me that in rare cases it causes reversable hair loss. Four hours later on a trip to Home Depot he tells me that he really thinks it is the Beta Blocker. I asked him how that could be. He explained that it occurs in less then 1% of the people who use it. I was still confused... Well, in my drunken psychotic state earlier in the day I took that to mean that it would make bald men regrow hair, not make my hair fall out... LMAO

And since I've noticed this issue within the last month it very well could be the issue. Definitely something I am going to have to bring up to me doctor when I go see him next week...