Happy Birthday

Today is my soul mates birthday. I've spent the last 10.5 years loving this man. He's the reason that I push myself. The reason that I'm here. He can make me laugh when everything seems hopeless. He knows just how to make me feel good... He is my air.

Happy birthday baby. The best is yet to come. :)

TGIF!!!!!

I've been so busy and sick this week I forgot that ICLW started! My apologies! I have a lot of catching up to do.

I currently sound like an 85 year old Italian smoker. This laryngitis is totally kicking my butt this year! I'm used to losing my voice after the first cold snap of the year but it typically only lasts for a few days. Anywho...

Tonight is Ricktoberfest 3.0. AKA - Ricks 30th birthday celebration. I bought him a surround sound system for the house and surprised him with it. It's a nice addition to the entertainment center!

As for all things fertility related. We've begun exploring the options and have decided that several conversations are needed with our families as their opinion and support in this process is VERY important to us. Maybe we can find a way for us all to get together at the same time. Rick and I have decided that we'll wait out the end of 2009 and continue to gather information and figure out which direction we want to go before jumping feet first into everything! We are excited at what this new path brings us.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!

Unwavering Inspiration

I've been following a family in Jacksonville, FL for quite some time now. A photographer that I am very fond of (Scarlett Lillian), what I wouldn't give to shoot with her for a wedding!

Her father was diagnosed last year with terminal lung cancer and made his way home on February 21, 2009. Her mother, Rene, was diagnosed in 2004 with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. She has been through a lot. And is currently in remission, which is a immense blessing.

Scarlett and Rene are training to run a marathon on the year anniversary of their father and husband's passing. I hope that I am able to find the strength and inspiration to complete our journey... one way or the other.

I implore you to follow each of them, what a blessing they are to have each other. I wish them the best of luck in their training.

Oh Friday... How I Love Thee

I must say. The last 6 weeks or so have been odd. Just plain odd. I don't know how to describe most of it. I can only blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde (only for another few days though! But, hell... It's Friday and I couldn't be happier.

I admit however, that not focusing on ttc has been wonderful. It's been relaxing. I never realized just how much I thought about it until I stopped thinking about it. I'm happy to report that I feel like my stress level is way down and thus, my blood pressure has normalized without the need for meds (since I stopped taking them after starting the Wellbutrin because I started getting heart palpitations.)I'm very thankful for that.

Unfortunately, I have gained a few pounds that I'm not happy with. So, it's back on the wagon.

I feel so incredibly boring at the moment. I don't have much to talk about. Just a nice weekend spent relaxing and with friends (and of course my loves).

Just wanted to share a couple photos with you of my babies (I had to try out my new lens!) I don't think I've ever mentioned that I'm a photographer. Ha! Look at that... It gives me sanity and focus. Sophie is my little model. As soon as she sees my camera she's posing. Quincy however, hates the camera but obliged because I begged...

Sophie...



Quincy...



BTW - If you didn't watch Modern Family or Cougar Town Wednesday night... Start watching them. They were super funny. Cougar Town was hysterical. One of the funniest shows I've seen in a while (besides The Office). They will not disappoint.

Weirdness all around

What a month September has been! Frankly, I can't believe it is almost over...

First off, I would like to welcome all ICLW participants. You can read more about me here...

There isn't too much going on in our IF world right now. Just waiting for AF to start so I can go get some blood work done. I'll be calling RE in the next couple days if she hasn't started by then. I really think all the stress over the last couple months is hindering her ever so lovely appearance...

DH and I are also looking to move. We're going to attempt to sell our home... Why you ask? Long story. But, we feel it's time to move on from this house. We both feel like it has a negative energy. We've had nothing but really bad luck since we moved in. Plus, we've absolutely outgrown this place.

Oh! Happy Fall... I'm extremely envious of those of you who live in the Northern states who are already experiencing cooler weather. We are still in the 90's with insane humidity. My poor dogs would love some cooler weather. You know it's bad when your dogs only want to go outside to do their business then come right back in. Poor babies.

Emotional Trainwreck

Yeah, my emotions are ALL over the place. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm in tears. As strange as it might sound, it's not so much about the recent development in our infertility journey. It's about my baby boy. I lack the words to accurately describe how much this dog has made an impact on our lives.

You see, Quincy had led a rough life before we rescued him. He was abused and neglected. He was nothing but a big red bag of bones when we got him. My step dad nicknamed him Quincy Bones (a la Quincy Jones). This is a boy who wants absolutely nothing more than to be loved. There is not a person that he has met whose life he has not impacted. Everyone lives Quincy. Everyone is devastated that this is result we've come to.

Rick has been researching a book that we purchased, The Dog Cancer Survival Guide. He is devising a holistic treatment plan. Neither of us believe in chemotherapy and radiation for him. We do not believe that it will improve his quality of life and would keep him sicker for a short while after and we want to enjoy what we have left with him. Not to mention it's outrageously expensive. We just don't have the money to do it. We know however, that once there is a change in his demeanor or he appears to be in pain or any sort of discomfort it will be time to send our sweet boy home.

We hope that the Lord will let us have at least another year with him. We are better individuals and a better couple having taken care of him. We can't wait to make the most of our time with him. I'm actually in the midst of hiring our wedding photographer to do a family session with Quincy. He tends to be a camera shy boy and I'm hoping that with someone else on the other side of the camera and Rick and I with him, he'll come out of his shell.

Well, Can This Year BE Any Worse?

Failed IUI's - $5,500+
Surgery to check lady parts - $18,000
Failed IVF - $14,500
Being told biological children are probably not in my future - Priceless
Being told that my beloved dog, Quincy (the second love of my life) has Nasal Cancer and is only expected to live another 2-4 months just 5 days later- EVEN MORE PRICELESS...

What a fucking year this has been... What a fucking WEEK this has been...

Seriously... I'm not sure how much more heartache two people can take at the moment...

My Life Has a Theme Song (today anyway)

I woke up this morning and felt different. I wasn't really sure what the difference was. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I sat at my desk munching away on Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzels this afternoon (which seriously required me to need a breath mint) when it hit me... this is the best I've felt in a month!

I feel like Peter Griffin when the genie grants him his own theme song...



I have spent the last 33 days mourning. Yes, I realize we got our transfer, but it really was in the most dismal of situations. I have spent the last 33 days wondering what I could have done differently. I have spent the last 33 days wallowing in self pity. I'm sure I haven't been the best spouse. I know that I haven't been the best friend, but I have been so lucky to have the understanding of the people that I might have affected. Mind you my lack of great friendship has been my self imposed exile that I inflicted upon myself.

I know that sometimes life will knock you down. But, I've been trying to get back up... But it seemed as though I had been knocked into a hole about 10 feet deep. I've been scratching and clawing my way out. It would probably explain the intense need for a manicure at the moment. But, I'm almost there. I feel like the top half of my body is out and I'm just trying to get my legs out of the hole... Hopefully, they'll join the rest of me here very soon...

Find Your Humor...

I've been very reflective over the last month and dammit I'm tired of being sad. I feel like I've been stuck in a silent movie... Everything for so long has been all black and grainy. I'm taking big steps this weekend. Hubby will be off at an All Madden Tournament (football video game)... We might be 30, but sometimes you gotta be a kid... I will be heading out to dinner and other activities with my BFF, her SIL and Lily (the most adorable 6 month little girl)...

I haven't been around children since before our IVF failed. I feel like I need to slowly get back into the groove of things. I need to get off the Willy Wonka's Wondrous Boat Ride. Do you remember that part of the movie? The crazy 60's psychedelic bugs crawling everywhere scene? Well, that's where I feel like I've been... And you should just be warned that I am deathly afraid of bugs. Real or imaginary. For those that can't remember it... here is the scene...



I need to get back into the real world. It's been a helluva a journey these last few weeks. I've immersed myself in work. Which is probably for the best since I seemed to be trailing off all the time for the last several months. I've accomplished more this month since our failed IVF than I have in a while. I'm sure my
job thanks me... ha!

I'm the type of person who needs an answer and a plan for everything. Now, this might sound strange coming from somebody with such little organizational skills, but I've really been trying NOT to think about what is next for us. I'm trying to let go (which is unbelievably difficult for a person in need of constant control, such as myself). I'm trying to let the "chips fall where they may", for the time being anyway. I'm trying to enjoy my husband, not that I didn't enjoy him before, but, it just feels a little more freeing these days... I'm also trying to refocus my energies. I know that might sound odd, but I have several quotes or pieces of wisdom that I recite to myself everyday, throughout the day. It tends to calm my mind and
lift my spirit. I'm pretty sure my husband has appreciated the fact that I haven't been hysterical recently. Don't get me wrong, I've had some sad moments. But, I've pushed through them. Well, I've tried anyway.

"Life is a garden... dig it." as Joe Dirt would say...

I leave you with one last memento this evening...

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it... -- Bill Cosby

I believe that. I'm working to find laughter again. I hope you are too.

My Sincerest Thanks

I just want to thank all of those who read my blog.

I want to thank those who have felt compelled to write me. Whether it's to offer words of encouragement or to thank me for something on my blog.

Infertility is the single toughest journey I've had to take in my life. My mom used to tell me that I had a wall built up around me which is why I was so strong. I wouldn't let anything hurt me. Over the years, that wall has been broken and is no longer a part of my life. So much has happened in my life to break that wall.

My husband, is the single greatest person I know. He loves everything about me and has not ever judged me, even in those moments when I seemed to be losing it all. I know that it's difficult to see any positive in a situation that has hurt so much. But, the more I think about it, the joy and the positive in my life is my husband. It may sound sappy and needy, but I need to be around him. He makes everything about my life better. He cries with me when we have a failed cycle. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling. He loves me unconditionally.

I'm lucky that I don't have to go through this journey alone. Even though, I've certainly taken this harder and dwelled on it longer than my husband, I know that we're a team. We're solid and we've done nothing but grow together for this experience.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is appreciation. Appreciation for the love that I go home to every day. Appreciation for that fact that we have never once argued about our infertility. Appreciation for the couple we have become and the foundation we've built together.

My biggest hurdle at the moment is my faith. This is something that I have touched on a lot in therapy. I've always been told, "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time". I no longer believe those things. Well, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Which leads me to question everything I've been raised to know and believe. I know how important faith is. But, when I want answers, dammit, I want answers. I've never been one to be very patient. It's my nature to be impulsive. I am an Aries for crying out loud. I never thought that infertility would be the reason why my faith would be so shaken. I'm desperately trying to hold onto something. I never thought my mom would be OK with me telling her that I wasn't sure I believed in God any more. But she was. She has been great in trying to tell me that I'll eventually find myself again. It will just take some time.

I will find myself again. I will find my happiness.

So again, thank you to those who have read my blog and been touched by it one way or another. The support is amazing. You rock.

I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.E.

My mom always used to call me fertile myrtle. I had great child bearing hips she would tell me. You see, I'm an only child. My mom was told when she was younger that she would never have children. She got married not too long after this news. She got pregnant with me at 19 and had me at 20 (she was never able to have another). My mom always had reproductive issues. She had cysts when she was a teenager. She was diagnosed with endometriosis at 17. She had her left ovary removed at age 24.

We had a conversation the other day about everything that was going on and that she couldn't believe that this is where we are. My family thought I'd have 3 or 4 kids by now. After thinking about our WTF appointment in a few weeks, it dawned on me that my 2 aunts from my father's side where both never able to get pregnant. This is something that I never thought to bring up before. I didn't really spend too much time around them, it just never crossed my mind. So curiosity is starting to get the best of me... Could genetics be my down fall? Wouldn't that be something... all these years and all the money we've spent for something that I would have never been able to help...

I have no clue if it will be an issue or not, but it is definitely on my list of things to bring up to the RE in a few weeks...

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So my boss is on vacation this week, which means I'm in charge of our department. Mind you I work with all chicks. It's a total estrogen-fest and for someone like me, I'd much rather be around guys all day long. I just tend to get a long better with men. I have more in common with them. I'm not your typical girlie girl. While I have my moments, I would much rather be watching a game as opposed to shopping...

Well, while the boss is away... man will the girls play... Now, I'm the youngest person in my department, so you can imagine how much people (especially older women, most of whom could be my own mother) like to listen to me. I digress... You ask them to do one tiny thing and it's like you are cutting off their air supply or something. So for the past 3 days I've been asking someone to get something done that was due Monday. My boss' boss (who I affectionately call GP) came back from vacation today. The first thing she asks if for the report for her 10 am meeting. So I approach said Rep and ask her for the report. She turns to me and says that she didn't have time to get to it. So, I ask her what she has been doing in the mean time since she'd had time off of her other duties in order to get it done. She flings her chair around to me and said, "I didn't feel like it was that important. I saw no rush in getting it done."

WELL... The entire department heard her say it including GP, who happened to be walking out to get a status report. Needless to say... GP forced said Rep into her office, closed the door and the entire building heard her lashing... I would not have wanted to be on the other side of that 'conversation'. It was A W E S O M E!!! So for something that should have taken MAYBE 2 hours to complete, said Rep got written up and CAN'T wait for my boss to come back so we can talk about it... tee hee....

I'm awful I know... But this particular person seriously can't stand me. It basically boils down to the fact that she doesn't like to take direction from someone younger than her. My boss is younger than her too, and she does the same sh*t to her. Such disrespect. Anywho... Karma... I love her!

I Can See Clearly Now... The Rain Is Gone...

Well, that might be an overstatement. But this weekend was the first that I haven't dwelled on the fact that we're infertile or that all our friends have babies or our IVF failed. Sure, I've thought about all of the above, but I've been able to tear myself away and think about other things... or nothing at all... that's even better!

I have no doubt that my 'magic pill' (the Wellbutrin that my Dr. Rx me this past week) has something to do with it. But, it was something that needed to be done. I am glad he was so quick to call it in for me.

I'm still losing my hair like there is no tomorrow and I think it's actually getting worse. Not sure what to do about that. My acupuncturist gave me some supplements that are supposed to help. I haven't started them yet, but I will tomorrow. I don't know if it is the stress, my hormones, or if God is being funny and wants to make me look like all my Uncles... or maybe it is all of the above. I recently had my thyroid checked and I know it isn't that... I love my hair... but I'm even afraid to run my fingers through it... anyone have any suggestions or tips?

Tonight is fried chicken night in our household. It was a big hit that last time I made it... and by big hit, I mean that Rick loved it... LOL Wish me luck so I don't burn down the house... :D

What Infertility Has Taken From Me

Infertility has taken away my ability to laugh at myself. Most importantly it took away some of my ability to laugh with others. I've become so serious that it's become hard for me to distinguish between a joke or a serious comment. I feel like my personality is sliding away. Kind of like how a glacier starts melting down... Just chunks sliding and melting into the vast ocean that is my soul. I constantly think about why we haven't been blessed with a child. I think about what I've done in my past and wonder if it is the reason. I think about things that happened to me and wonder if that is the reason. Maybe God doesn't think I can handle a child. Maybe he thinks that I won't be able to protect my child. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did or said.

I know that we all have those thoughts. But, with each passing failed cycle they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can't turn them off. I can't hardly read news stories involving children anymore. They upset me too much and most are heartbreaking. I can't even look at people's desks or facebook profiles any longer without wondering why. I have no desire to hang out with any of our friends. Not because I don't love them. But, because I can't help but feel extreme sadness and depression being around them. I also know that most people probably think "Poor Kerri and Rick...". I know that most can't relate, I would never wish this on anyone. Ever.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I feel like I need to slap myself silly. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG BABY!" My inner voice keeps saying that to me, but my heart keeps getting pulled back into the rut. I know that I need time to grieve, but doesn't my mind know myself well enough by now to know that I'm not that fucking patient?!? I like to go go go. I don't like to dwell on anything. But, in all honesty, I'm sure it's part of the reason I'm suffering so much now. I'm causing conflict within myself. I'm coping with it by taking an anti-depressant right now and talking with a counselor. DH is currently coming up with a exercise regimen for us, which we both feel will help us tremendously.

I never thought that infertility affected me so much, but it's been a long process to get to where I am. I feel so blessed however that my mom has been there for me. She has never pushed me off or tried to take away what I was/am feeling at the time. She has however really tried to get me to see that things aren't over and while this is yet another bump in our road, we will get through it. I love my mommy. :) I'm also equally blessed to share my life with a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is my world. My rock. Without him I am certain that I would not be who I am today. The good and the bad, life is sweeter with him. I know we will get through this journey together and be stronger for it.

(insert word here) Fails Me...

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Beautiful Things Await You...

This was my husband's fortune today from our Chinese food.

He walked over to me, told me to keep it and then said "notice it says THINGS."

The fortune is now taped on the photo of our embryos.

I love my husband, he can always make me smile... :)

Happy Friday everyone.

Whatever It Is

My husband sent me the most romantic song the other day. He's not the kinda guy that spills his feelings in conventional ways. Of course he tells me how much he loves me, frequently. But he's just not the most romantic at times... Listening to this song brings tears to my eyes... It's perfection...

I've not ever hear of the Zac Brown Band, but I think I love them...




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ETA: WE JUST GOT AN UPDATE FROM OUR EMBRYOLOGIST.... WE HAVE 4 BABIES RIGHT NOW!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED! SENDING A TON OF PRAYERS TO THEM THAT GOD WILL LET THEM SURVIVE AND THRIVE. WE ARE SO BLESSED...

The Winds of Change

Holy Shit...

These are the only words that keep going through my mind. I seriously cannot believe it. This cycle has been such a roller coaster. It's hard to even put it into the right words. We had our follow-up this morning with Dr. P. where we were convinced he would suggest IUI and attempt another cycle of IVF down the line, IF the IUI didn't work. I was probed for about the 100th time in the last 6 months. My lining is still kinda thin, but I'm staying on the Estridol to help.

Once Dr. P. got in there he silently measured each follicle. He then sat back scratched his head and said Wow... and started reading off the sizes of each follicle. I have 5 REALLY big follies and several that are right behind and could catch up. Dr. P. expressed how impressed he was at our turn around. He suggested that we continue with IVF. After thinking about it, Rick and I agreed to that IVF is our best shot. I still can't believe that this is where we are back to. It seemed so improbable Monday and to be here 2 days later scheduled for Egg Retrieval Friday morning and transfer Monday. I know that having 5 follies (22, 20, 19, 17, 16) isn't the greatest of odds, but we're hoping that a few more of the follies (14x2, 12-13x2) will continue to grow until Friday morning and be ripe and ready to be plucked! It's not too much to expect seeing as I had a couple foolies grow 6-8 in just two days... tee hee

*******************

As for jury duty, I did not get picked (luckily!), I did however have to set in a prospective pool of jurors for a Murder 1 trial. It would have been an interesting case had I been picked, but I had to tell the court about our IUI/potential IVF because there would have been nothing I could do to stop it...

100 Useless Pieces of Information... about moi!

I'm extremely bored and was reading through my blog list and ran across this one...This cycle is driving me nuts so I'm going to take a few moments and try to come up with 100 things about myself... This should be quiet a project to do seeing as 25 seems hard... LOL

1. I am an only child
2. DH and I have been TTC for 4 years
3. We have 2 dogs, a Golden Retriever and a Catahoula
4. I can't fall asleep at night unless there is a TV show or movie on that I am VERY familiar with
5. I love to cook and bake
6. I've know my best friend for 15 years but we were never friends until 2002
7. I'm very competitive, I hate to lose, but I frequently do
8. I'm a part time photographer and I wish I could do it full time but the current economy doesn't allow it
9. Chocolate milk is wonderful; I would miss it very much if I couldn't have it any more
10. DH and I have 'shower time' together; not only do we save on our water bills but we have some of our best conversations there
11. I get upset when it rains and I am not at home; there is nothing better to me to curling up on the couch watching to rain
12. My husband is 6'7" and I'm 5'4"; people frequently stare
13. I love to make homemade ice cream
14. We are in the middle of our first IVF and it is by far one of the hardest things we've ever had to do
15. I love to look for new homes even though it will be a while before we can get out of this one...
16. Some of my favorite TV shows are: Friends, Seinfeld, Everyone loves Raymond, 30 Rock, The Office, Family Guy and Sex and the City
17. I have a very hard time staying asleep past 7 am
18. I hope that one day I will be able to travel to Italy, England, Scotland and Ireland to visit my families roots
19. We secretly plan what to do with the millions we are eventually going to win in the Lotto
20. I have a tendency to buy sour cream, shredded cheeses and butter every time I go grocery shopping, whether or not we need it
21. I am addicted to my blackberry; it's shameless
22. I've tried numerous times to go back to school to finish my degree; one day I know I will do it
23. I never knew my biological father; I was adopted by step-dad when I was 2.5; He died in 2007 and I miss him every day
24. When I get nervous I peel my nails
25. My grandparents are a shining example of what marriage should be; they'll be married for 67 years come December and I am so honored that my grandmother compares my marriage to hers
26. My mom is one of the strongest women I know; I can always call her and she know exactly what to say to make it better
27. DH and I have our list of baby names, though we are adding new names frequently
28. I love gadgets and electronics, I just wish I had more
29. I love to watch my husband play video games, I don't know why
30. I'm a huge sports fan, I have a lot of collectibles; we're looking for a Sports Room in our next house
31. I have a ton of nicknames for Quincy, our Golden Retriever; our Catahoula... just a couple
32. We are the last of our friends and families to have children (who are actively trying)
33. I hate to clean; but I do my best cleaning when Rick isn't awake or home
34. Every Saturday and Sunday I have to watch my 'programs' on the Family Channel otherwise my day isn't complete
35. I have a step brother and a step sister
36. I'm a candle whore, I have to have smelly good candles in and around the house
37. I don't regret much in life... except for not reconciling with my father before he died
38. I give the worlds best advice, only problem is people never listen until I get to say "I told you so"
39. I think that my husband is the sexiest man ever, sometimes just thinking about him makes me like a giddy school girl
40. I have a pretty fiery personality, I'm a typical Aries through and through
41. I can watch Back to the Future 1-3 over and over and over and never get tired of them.
42. I own all 10 seasons of Friends and will occasionally sit down and play them starting from episode one all the way through to the end no matter how long it takes
43. I can't leave the house without chap stick, I have the most chronic dry lips known to man
44. I've been to every RE in the general Tampa Bay area and think that I have finally found the right doctors
45. I fell in love with my husband almost instantly
46. I have green eyes; my husband calls them Creamy Jade
47. I love movie quotes, DH and I are constantly spouting them off to one another
48. My head is filled with a ton of useless knowledge
49. We tried out for World Series of Pop Culture a few years ago, we didn't make it because of our third winger
50. I love to give gifts, never good for the pocket book, but always good for my heart
51. I play Fantasy Football with the boys and I beat them
52. I had my heart broken twice about the same guy, then I met my husband, I'm a lucky girl
53. I love the people that I work with but I feel stuck in my job
54. I love to be the hostess, I prefer to sit around good food and conversation at home than at a restaurant or movie
55. Excuse me... time to take my shots...
56. I'm not what most would consider a girlie girl, but I have my moments (ie. bugs, spiders, sappy movies, love, etc.)
57. I love to lead a simple life
58. I have chronic sinus infections, which leads to chronic headaches, which leads to fun...
59. I love coming home and seeing my dogs faces in the window waiting for me
60. My favorites: number = 24, color = green
61. I like my pizza with everything (except anchovies & hot peppers) on it
62. I don't drink
63. I live near the beach but rarely go
64. Some of my favorite movies are: The Wedding Singer, Back to the Future 1-2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Hangover, Romy and Michell's High School Reunion, Sex and the City, Day After Tomorrow
65. I wish that I could host my own cooking show
66. I have a ton of 'green' bags to use for the grocery store and almost always forget to bring them
67. This has become much harder than I initially thought... I'm REALLY reaching!
68. My dogs have BIG barks but are sweet as can be... most of the time!
69. I love planning home improvements but we've decided not to stay in this house so we'll have to curtail that until we get something new
70. I'm an early bird, which means not many late nights for me
71. I love cookbooks; I have a collection that takes up one full cabinet in our kitchen
72. I love the concept of the new movie Julie&Julia. I think it would be a great experiment to see how it would turn out. Julia Child was amazing
73. I believe that I should have grown up in the 50's; I very much want to be a housewife, the perfect June Cleaver (though that would probably drive DH crazy)
74. I could spend paycheck after paycheck at IKEA and Target
75. I hate to wear shoes; I only wear them because they are required of me
76. My husband's brother didn't speak to me for the first 4.5 years of our relationship, but once he realized I was sticking around he started opening up
77. Rick and I recently bought a stuffed animal for our child
78. I'm a homebody, I'm most comfortable at home, always have been always will be
79. I think Family Guy is one of the most brilliantly written shows, although sometimes they go too far, even for me
80. I collect shot glasses from everywhere I've been
81. I love Hollywood Gossip, but I don't read it as much as I used too
82. I lost my sunglasses 6 weeks ago and it is driving my nuts that I can't find them, but I've been too lazy to go buy more
83. I constantly crack my knuckles when they start to feel tight
84. My mom loaned us the money for our IVF, we have put everything we have into IF treatments and are now at the last notch, we're hoping to not need anymore meds for this cycle
85. This has been exhausting to try to do this that I'm actually thinking about going to bed... and it's only 7:46
86. I have been doing acupuncture for over a year and hope that it will help lead us to our baby
87. My husband just told me that I'm beautiful :)
88. Typically the first thing I do when I get home is get into my underpants
89. I love all types of music, but my all time favorites is the Dave Matthews Band
90. I was attacked by a dog when I was 5, which required reconstructive plastic surgery on my face
91. I love to play Mario Kart on our Wii when I have time
92. I've lost 43 pounds in the last year and kept it off
93. Through our TTC Journey, we've frequently thought about when God's lesson to us in all of this is... we finally determined the other night that it must be faith... it's the one thing we tend to lack too often
94. I have used almost all of my vacation/sick time at work on RE appointments
95. My parents divorce was the best thing to ever happen to my mom, she's blossomed so much since 1999, I'm so proud of her
96. I can touch my nose with my tongue... I can also balance a spoon on my nose for undisclosed periods of time... it doesn't take much to amuse my family...
97. Rick and I have created voices for our dogs, they amuse us, but I think we annoy them...
98. I have an abnormal fear of Spiders, I frequently have nightmares about them and wake up screaming... something DH appreciates at 1 in the morning...
99. I'm a whiz at the game Simon... it's quiet impressive...
100. If I could bring 5 things with me to a deserted island, I would bring 1) my husband 2) my dog, Quincy 3) a lifetime supply of mac and cheese 4) the Bible and 5) a tent

No (good) words

Yesterday was our follow-up follie scan. If you remember I had 14 follicles just hanging out Tuesday. Friday only 5 worth a damn. 5... Oh! did I mention that my lining was only 3.9?

right: 14
left: 13, 12,11,8

After getting probed for the 76th time. I got dressed and walked across the hallway with Rick. We sat down in only what I can describe as the 'collection' room if you get my drift. Our nurse came in a started discussing our meds with us since I only had enough to get me through last night. She comes in and sits down and the tears start to roll. She tried to calm me down by telling me that it's still early and that there is still plenty of time. But that bullshit doesn't help me. I know that I am a bad patient when it comes to googling, but I read others blogs and I read statistics. I know that Rick and I have put everything that we have into this IVF, literally. We had to split the cost of our new meds onto 2 credit cards last night. Several of our credit card companies have closed our accounts recently without any notification. Just another great indication of our wonderful economy.

When her talking to me didn't help, Dr. P came in. He sat down to try and calm my fears. He said he isn't worried about our cycle at this time. My body need some more time to respond. Since I'm PCO they don't want to push it too much since I can explode at any time apparently. My E2 level went up quite nicely in a couple days but still has a ways to go, it sits at 196.22. I had a shitty day at work. And after the credit card fiasco last night I figured that maybe God was trying to tell us something. Rick and I discussed it and neither of us think the lesson is patience. But more and more I am thinking that the lesson might just be to have Faith. It's hard to lift everything up to God and let him handle it. So we are just going to go with the flow and let Him handle things.

Monday is our follow-up. Maybe we'll find out more then.

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Tonight is going to be a fun night for me. I get to go hang out and have dinner with my best girls. As life goes on, we don't have as much time to spend with each other. So we take what we can get these days. So, I'm off to take a short nap and then get ready for dinner at Bella's!

Teenie Weenie Vacation

Well, it's Florida and it's sweltering right now. It's currently about 95 degrees outside except The Weather Channel states that it is 85 degrees, which is seriously a crock of shit! You can't even walk outside without immediately breaking into a solid sweat. It's not pretty.

Rick's family takes an annual vacation to the beach. We typically don't stay since we live about 5 miles away from where they stay. But we always take a long weekend and spend some time out here. It's always peaceful. We eat, laugh and play a ton of games. Sometimes we just nap. The heat however takes a toll on you. Especially during the stimming process. Heat and I do not mix. I would rather walk through the Arctic cold dodging polar bears and rabid penguins than deal with the heat. I think that this is one reason why God will grant us a BFP and my EDD will be during the winter or spring. The summer and I and a pregnancy would be awful. Talk about cranky and horrid... That would be me!

Today is day 3 of stimming and AF seems to be tapering off. I've felt really good so far and am hopeful that we will get a decent amount of follies and some awesome quality eggs to use... Can't wait. It's going to be grrrreat!