Things are changing

Hey everyone.

I'm sure most of you have forgotten about my little blog. But, I have not forgotten about you and your struggles. After our IVF failed last year, I lost it. I had only in can only call a mini mental breakdown. I was functioning but I wasn't really here. Not long after our failed IVF my beloved dog Quincy was diagnosed with cancer. I felt like everything was imploding around us. We tried to think of our next steps. We tried to get our act together. We tried. I tried. But I failed. Quincy became our top priority. He provided so much to us and we owed him everything. His love and companionship got me through days I would never wish on my worst enemy. Babies took the back burner. We needed a break. Mentally, physically, in everyway. So we just stopped. Everything.

It was the most welcome break we could have ever needed. I've been able to get my photography business back up and running. We've actually taken time for ourselves. We haven't been consumed. We've talked about things here and there. Do we really want to adopt? Maybe... Do we want to try IVF again? Maybe... Do we want to consider egg donation? Maybe... Maybe... Maybe...

Fast forward to June 2010...

Quincy fought a really hard battle. When he was diagnosed, the Vet Oncologist told us that he might make it 2-4 months. We did everything we could to prolong his life and keep him happy and comfortable. He fought so hard. But, we finally knew it was time to let him go several weeks ago. I know he didn't want to leave us but he knew it was time. He made it an astonishing 8.5 months from diagnosis. Our vet told us how strong Quincy was and how surprised everyone was that he was as active and 'healthy' as he was during that time. I miss my boy every day. But, I really feel like he was preparation for the future. I know it sounds silly, but you just have to trust you would have thought the same thing.

Fast forward to Thursday June 24, 2010...

We got a phone call around 8:30 from our sister in law. She sounded frantic. We really thought something was wrong even though she said it was nothing bad. She found out through a friend that there is a newborn baby boy born into a bad situation. Mother is 29 years old and he was her 6th baby. Mind you she has no parental rights for any of them. This sweet boy was born addicted to THC (marijuana)... sickening right? Yeah... I thought so. The father is an addict as well. Can't hold a job and is technically homeless. The offer was on the table for us to have an opportunity to adopt him. Rick and I were floored, shocked and overwhelmed. We got off the phone... Paced the floors... talked about our options and called our mothers. Everyone told us what an amazing gift this would be. We knew it would be a crap shoot going in and not sure how it would play out....

Friday, June 25, 2010...

The court date. Yes... 17 hours after the frantic firestorm of phone calls. We did not attend. But, the mother was stripped of her parental rights by the state. All but one of her children was both addicted to drugs. She has no hope of a future with this child. The state and court wanted to strip the father as well. But, the grandmother knew we were in the wings and she wanted to do what she could to prevent him from being put into state custody. She mentioned a private adoption in court and the judge gave the father 3 months to prove he could take care of the child and provide for him. She offered to house the baby for the next 3 months. She and her husband are older and don't want to raise another child. From what we have been told, the father likes the idea of having a child, but not the idea of actually parenting a child. No one thinks he will keep custody. We were told to prepare for the child. So we are.

We are preparing to become a family. We understand that this is still a crap shoot and the father could miraculously turn his life around in the next 90 days. But, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that even though we will miss 3 months of our son's life, he will end up coming home to us. The grandmother understands that we really want to keep this a 'closed' as possible. We were told to find an adoption attorney and to find out how everything would proceed.

So yeah. We are preparing. Things are changing. We have a name picked out. We've thought about his room. We're now nesting before really nesting.

Come the beginning of October... We might become a family of 3... God is good.

'If you can" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23

Amazing.

My Life Has a Theme Song (today anyway)

I woke up this morning and felt different. I wasn't really sure what the difference was. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I sat at my desk munching away on Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzels this afternoon (which seriously required me to need a breath mint) when it hit me... this is the best I've felt in a month!

I feel like Peter Griffin when the genie grants him his own theme song...



I have spent the last 33 days mourning. Yes, I realize we got our transfer, but it really was in the most dismal of situations. I have spent the last 33 days wondering what I could have done differently. I have spent the last 33 days wallowing in self pity. I'm sure I haven't been the best spouse. I know that I haven't been the best friend, but I have been so lucky to have the understanding of the people that I might have affected. Mind you my lack of great friendship has been my self imposed exile that I inflicted upon myself.

I know that sometimes life will knock you down. But, I've been trying to get back up... But it seemed as though I had been knocked into a hole about 10 feet deep. I've been scratching and clawing my way out. It would probably explain the intense need for a manicure at the moment. But, I'm almost there. I feel like the top half of my body is out and I'm just trying to get my legs out of the hole... Hopefully, they'll join the rest of me here very soon...

What Infertility Has Taken From Me

Infertility has taken away my ability to laugh at myself. Most importantly it took away some of my ability to laugh with others. I've become so serious that it's become hard for me to distinguish between a joke or a serious comment. I feel like my personality is sliding away. Kind of like how a glacier starts melting down... Just chunks sliding and melting into the vast ocean that is my soul. I constantly think about why we haven't been blessed with a child. I think about what I've done in my past and wonder if it is the reason. I think about things that happened to me and wonder if that is the reason. Maybe God doesn't think I can handle a child. Maybe he thinks that I won't be able to protect my child. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did or said.

I know that we all have those thoughts. But, with each passing failed cycle they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can't turn them off. I can't hardly read news stories involving children anymore. They upset me too much and most are heartbreaking. I can't even look at people's desks or facebook profiles any longer without wondering why. I have no desire to hang out with any of our friends. Not because I don't love them. But, because I can't help but feel extreme sadness and depression being around them. I also know that most people probably think "Poor Kerri and Rick...". I know that most can't relate, I would never wish this on anyone. Ever.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I feel like I need to slap myself silly. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG BABY!" My inner voice keeps saying that to me, but my heart keeps getting pulled back into the rut. I know that I need time to grieve, but doesn't my mind know myself well enough by now to know that I'm not that fucking patient?!? I like to go go go. I don't like to dwell on anything. But, in all honesty, I'm sure it's part of the reason I'm suffering so much now. I'm causing conflict within myself. I'm coping with it by taking an anti-depressant right now and talking with a counselor. DH is currently coming up with a exercise regimen for us, which we both feel will help us tremendously.

I never thought that infertility affected me so much, but it's been a long process to get to where I am. I feel so blessed however that my mom has been there for me. She has never pushed me off or tried to take away what I was/am feeling at the time. She has however really tried to get me to see that things aren't over and while this is yet another bump in our road, we will get through it. I love my mommy. :) I'm also equally blessed to share my life with a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is my world. My rock. Without him I am certain that I would not be who I am today. The good and the bad, life is sweeter with him. I know we will get through this journey together and be stronger for it.

(insert word here) Fails Me...

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Do You Believe in Miarcles?

Sunday was the worst day of our lives. To find out that we had been through so much and that our embryos stopped dividing was the most horrific news we could have possible imagined. I got physically ill. I tend to have that reaction when someone close to me dies. Which is exactly what we felt happened.

I had said long ago that if this IVF didn't work out that we were going to be a on long break from medicated cycles and take a trip of a lifetime. We decided that a Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece would be just what we wanted to do. It's been a year and a half straight of fertility treatments and it's just so overwhelming that we know a break will be good for us.

I left my cell phone on Rick's nightstand told him it was his responsibility to answer the phone when it rang. I just didn't want to hear those words again from Dr. Ying. The heartbreaking words I had heard Sunday. Rick and I discussed that we just wanted a chance to have our transfer. That prayer was answered Monday morning when we found out that 2 of our babies woke up and decided to grow.

It is a miracle in its own right. Is this the miracle that we've so desperately worked for? We won't know for another week and a half. We can only sit back and pray that this roller coaster is one with a happy ending. Here's to our miracles.... may they florish and prosper... Mommy's waiting... :)

Crash and Burn

Today our dreams were crushed. None of our embryos divided.

Apparently, there is still a small bit of hope. But not much.

Our hearts are broken. Today our journey ended without even a chance.

Not sure for how long. But a long while.

Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and good thoughts.

I'm just sorry we don't have better news.