The Truth about Sperm...

from my point of view anyways...

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with my friend, Tina. She was kind enough to try and divert my attention from the fact that Rick is out of town until the end of the week. We talked about everything from work to Billy Mays untimely death to toilet bowl cleaner to food to paid surveys to litter boxes and finally ended up on Sperm Talk.

It started out innocent enough. We were talking about various supplements to help enhance our husbands "army". Next up she asked how many semen analyses he had....

me: 1 technically

tina: so explain what you mean by technically

me: well, they still look at his sperm with each IUI we've had and basically doesn't look any better or any worse

tina: i was thinking you had some sort of home testing or something

me: nah - it grosses me out. they always make me look at it.

tina: really?

me: yep - it's like bed bugs crawling around. they always shove my face in front of the microscope.

tina: weird

me: i always expected them to look like what you normally see sperm looking like... nope... hundreds of little guys flying around the slide... like little sperm with helmets... **zoom**

tina: LMAO

me: it freaks me out... i didn't know what i was looking at the first time... i thought i couldn't see anything... so dr. p got up there with me and looked at what i saw and said that was them... i almost died...

tina: lol

me: i seriously expected to see this...



tina: eyes and all? LMAO

me: well, maybe not with the eyes, but i expected to see something big... but this is what i saw... but teenier...




tina: that's pretty funny...

me: all the pictures i had ever seen of them and they were HUGE! i felt like a moron...

anywho... i hope you enjoyed my DUH moment of the day...

The What Ifs

It's been such a long journey to get to this point. We are approaching 4 years since we started TTC. Countless tests, doctors appointments, failed cycles, friends/family having babies... Through it all however, Rick and I have remained strong together. He is my rock. It's been hard for us to divulge a lot of what has happened over the last 4 years to people, but slowly we've started explaining our situation to more friends/family members...

It's amazing looking back on our journey. We've said it before and we'll say it again. We NEVER thought that we would be to the point of IVF. We always knew in the back of our minds that it was an option. But like most options, they cost money. We aren't lucky enough to have any of the IVF covered under insurance. For a brief fleeting moment, we thought it would never happen. We had researched options for financing - because let's face it... who usually has close to 15 grand just hanging around?? We were just getting ready to apply for it when we found out that the financing had been pulled. I called my mom and very matter of factly told her that we were done. No more actively TTC. We just didn't have it in us, particularly financially. We knew it would take us well over a year to save that much money... and that was barring not needing any of the extra money. I came home that day and just sat on the couch. We got a phone call later that evening that would change our lives. My mom so graciously offered to loan us the money. It was the most touching phone call of my life. Rick and I talked about it and discussed how much and how soon we could afford to pay it back.

Now... on to the what ifs...
WHAT IF one if us lose our job and can't afford to pay her back on the agreed upon schedule???
WHAT IF our cycle gets cancelled???
WHAT IF we don't retrieve enough eggs???
WHAT IF our eggs stop developing???
WHAT IF we don't have any eggs to transfer back???
WHAT IF we don't have any eggs to freeze???
WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK???

It like a freaking roller coaster. We could seriously drive ourselves insane with all of the What Ifs... I feel like a human pincushion sometimes... We know that this is what it will take in order to have a baby (we hope).

I'm alone... again... :)

I've always been the girl who gets up in the morning and goes all day long. Napping for me isn't too much of an option. If a nap occurs, I'm either sick or absolutely exhausted. I happen to live with a man who can pretty much nap anytime anywhere. It gets annoying... LOL

It's currently 2:20 and yet again, I sit here alone. Repeatedly surfing the same websites over and over... This in itself is not proving to be fun. Michael Jackson's death is over shadowing everything. Not only can Rick sleep anytime anywhere... But we have two lovely dogs who of course sleep when he sleeps. hahaha

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In other news... Day #3 of Lupron has me in another funk. Just have a constant bad headache. I'm sleepy, but not sleepy enough to need to take a nap... My eyes are half open half closed due to the massive headache. I've heard a lot about the Lupron fog and I'm literally right in the thick of it... I'm hoping it doesn't last for the next month, but I'm thinking since I'm going to be taking some amount of Lupron throughout the entire process until the ER, it might be here to stay...

Anywho... I'm signing off for the evening... Check back in tomorrow... :)

I need a lighthouse to clear the fog...

Well, today it hit me...

Migraine... check...
Fog like demeanor... check...

It still sucks... Rick is going to be out of town on business Monday-Thursday this upcoming week...

Rick has been taking good care of me... We have no plans for the weekend, which is a pure rarity... Signing off til tomorrow...

IVF Protocal Day #1

Today is cycle day 21... Which means... Day #1 of Lupron. I woke Rick up and we experienced it together. We talked long ago about the fact that we want to go through every step of this together. There are so many things to think about, it's hard to calm my nerves, though I know it's necessary... :)

I'll be back later with how the day went...

Oh! Did I happen to mention that I got my first Jury Summons a couple days ago? Did I happen to mention when the Summons is for? Yeah... Holy Hell... It just so happens to fall the week of our estimated egg retrieval/transfer. Can you believe that? What the hell are the chances.... LOL

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ETA: Today was pretty uneventful in Lupron land. I'm excited about the possibility that it might continue... But that might just be a pipe dream...

Things to come...

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. - Psalm 54:4

This bible verse speaks volumes to me. I've been trying to open my heart more to God. I find myself praying at all times of the day. I've felt better recently than I have in a long time.

I am hoping that my calm will continue throughout our IVF.

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In other news... Rick is off buying clippers for Quincy... We're going to attempt to clip him tonight... EECK!! He has so much fur and this summer is going to be a hot one, we just feel bad that he has to run around wearing a fur coat. If we do an awful job, I'll be sure to take photos to point out our gigantic screw up!! LOL

Manic Monday #2

* I can't believe that in 4 days I will be taking my first dose of Lupron and our IVF will finally be underway!

* Why is the weekend only 2 days long? I think it should be a mandatory 3 days (at least)

* Father's Day was a nice little Sunday this year. Wishing and hoping that next year, Rick will get his first father's day!

* Never underestimate the power of a dogs love. We have 2 pups and no matter what they always know when you are in need of a little extra TLC... We love them so much... :)

* We had our IVF consent signing Friday. It was kind of weird. It felt like a very solemn thing. We had to go through 18 pages of documentation. Kinda like signing our mortgage documents. Weird but invigorating.

*I had breakfast with my mom Saturday. There is just something about talking to mom one on one that anyways makes me feel better. I know that she will always be there though thick and thin. I'm a lucky lucky girl...