Do I want to be pregnant or Do I want to be a mother?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Closing in on a month. But, I needed that time to process, relax and rejuvenate. It's done me well. Rick and I haven't talked too much about what was next for us. We always had October 14th on our radar. It was the next RESOLVE meeting that dealt with egg donation and adoption. We were particularly interested in the egg donation talk.

Fast forward an hour. We listened to the egg donation talk intently and I was touched by Nicole's story. Then, Kristin spoke about her adoption journey. She said several things that struck a cord with me.

1) A friend of hers asked her one day... "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mother?"

This statement resonated with me. I had never actually looked at it that way. How important was it for us to have a biological child? Now, don't get me wrong, it's a huge loss to be told your chances of having a biological child are slim to none. It hit me, sitting in a crowded room of people. Dammit, I just want to be a mother. Rick and I will be wonderful parents (or so we would like to think). It isn't THAT important to me to be pregnant. I'm actually quite terrified of pregnancy. Any pregnancy I have would be a high risk pregnancy and it really scares the bejesus out of me.

2) With adoption, you know you are coming home with a baby at some point. But with egg donation and continued treatments, nothing is promised.

That was the other thing. We've put so much blood, sweat and tears into trying to create a baby that I don't think either of us thought about what we would do if egg donation DID NOT work. Plus, we aren't made of money. Matter of fact we've exhausted most of our life savings on our journey to have a baby. If we went through egg donation and it didn't work, chances of us being able to afford something like that again would be slim for some time.

A dear friend of mine asked me a question a couple months ago after our failed IVF. I was explaining the possibilities for trying to have a baby. She then asked me "If this doesn't work... when does it all stop?" I've been thinking about that comment since she made it. She's right. When does it all stop? When do we stop the cycle? It's been 4.5 years. $30-35k. 11 medicated cycles. Over 200 needles. And yet we are no closer than we were 4.5 years ago. If anything it seemed farther away.

I always thought adoption wasn't for me. Then things started falling into place and making sense. I am half adopted (my mother is my biological, but my dad adopted me when he and her married when I was a baby, I've never known my biological father). Rick and I have rescued both of our dogs. And I know more adopted people than most. It's kinda of been right in front of me the whole time. I just never looked at it. I've been looking for signs for years. Now everything feels like it is just as it should be. It feels good. Great actually.

Next on the agenda... gathering our information, talking to our families and going to get our baby!


Cricketina said...

I'm so happy for you guys and your new step in this journey! This post almost made me cry. It's so much and yet, so little. I can't wait to see what comes next for you.

Just remember, when you get your baby and need day care...you know who to call!

Jaymee said...

sound like you have your answer. i know that it is a tough decision for a lot of people. because i am adopted it was just a no brainer, it does not matter where the child comes from the goal has always been to become a mother. i am so happy that you are looking into the adoption possibilities. please let me know if there is anything that i can help you with or questions that you think i may be able to answer. i became a social worker to work in the adoption field too.

The Novice Chef said...

Congratulations on making this next step Kerri!
You two will make wonderful parents!

Kate said...

Congratulations, Kerri, on your new direction. Your post really touched a chord with me, and it has given me a lot to think about. Thank you!

Banana Pancakes said...

So excited to hear about the next part of your journey to motherhood :) I have a friend who has adopted 2 girls from China and she was kind enough to once show me the video of the first time she met her daughters. It was the most moving moment I've seen to date. Congratulations!

Melissa G said...

Oh Kerri, that last sentence made me tear up. You sound like a different person.

It definitely took us some time to let go of the biological loss. But I know it will be worth it, and I think it's really great that you have the RESOLVE meetings to help walk you both through the process. I hope you are able to move forward soon.

Congratulations on your new plan!

ASP said...

Your post really struck a chord with me. My husband and I were talking about this after our last BFN during IVF. People get pregnant because they want to be parents not because they want to go through the pain of labor. Yeah, it'd be great to experience a baby growing in my belly, but at what point, when does it all end and you finally move onto your next option? I want to be a parent and if that means via adoption, then so be it. I know that no matter what choice we make, we're going to be great parents. Same goes for you!

Good luck on the next part of your journey!

Amber and Mike said...

I'm so happy for y'all. Best of luck on your new and exciting journey!!

K said...

congrats on exploring the possibilities!!!


Mrs. Gamgee said...

I am always fascinated by how this journey leads us... We start out thinking one thing and then something entirely different comes along and makes complete sense. Blessings on the next stage of your journey!


junebug said...

I don't know. I still see TTC my own baby and adoption as two complete different subjects. Maybe it is because I was an orphan but I really want to have my own child. (not necessarily the pregnancy because I agree with you on the frightfullness of that path) I've always wanted to adopt, as well, because I was raised by other people most my life and know how important that can be for me and a child. However, money is a big issue because both paths are not cheap and I am dreading the adoption process with the paperwork and judging me phase. I see the benefits and drawbacks of both. Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it too.
Good luck on your journey.

Anonymous said...

Kerri, you and Rick have not wasted 4.5 years. You are closer to having a child now through adoption, which you may not have found acceptable earlier. It sounds like the two of you have great communication within your marriage, enabling you to agree on and rejoice in an alternative path to parenthood. You are lucky. By the time that the energy, finances and commitment to assisted birth runs out, many couples stand on opposite sides of the fence regarding the viable alternatives. I am excited for you and will be following your blog to see how well it turns out.
Lisa (ICLW # 100)

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your decision! You're putting the emphasis where it belongs - on being a parent. It sounds like you two will be great at it.

Willow said...

Your reasoning here is exactly what ours was when we found our way to adoption: yes, I still want to experience pregnancy, & to make a baby who's half me, half my husband, but getting to be a mommy was the part I knew I could not live without. And it was such a relief, once we signed on with our agency, knowing that we'd moved from IF we ever have a baby to WHEN we bring our baby home. And it did occur to me that if we love our 2 rescue cats and one dog as much as we do, & consider them to be part of our family, and they aren't even the same species!--how much more quickly & completely we would love our adopted child! Also I have a stepgrandma who married my grandpa before I was born, helped raise me, and has always been my "real" grandma in every way that matters--and yet we have no blood ties. This was part of my realization that biology isn't everything--isn't even the main thing. I am happy to report that our boy, born just under a year after we started thinking about adoption, is the light of our lives & fits into our family so perfectly that it's clear he was always meant to be in it. Good luck with your next steps!

Dawn said...

You raise such an interesting point and one I see a lot-when does it all end. Not that I'm not thankful for the medical advances that have been made, but they do make it harder to know when to stop. Just when you think it's time, something else comes along or you hear of someone getting PG with some other technique. There is no one right way to have a family. I wish you success and happiness during the next steps on your journey!

Creating a Family

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm here from ICLW. I enjoyed reading your post and think of the same things. I'm so happy for you that you made a decision and are moving forward. Good luck in your journey, I wish you the best!!!

Hevel said...

Here through ICLW.

It seems you have answered that very important question.

The signs might not have been there befgore. Or rather, you weren't ready for them. Maybe if you started on the adoption road, you would have always regretted it, asking a lot of What if's.

Lanie said...

I'm so glad you went to this meeting! It sounds like it gave you both an opportunity to talk about other options. My husband and I are in the middle of our wait for a baby through adoption after 4 years of infertility treatments. I hope you find the answer that is right for you!