I've teetered back and forth for years now. Am I Catholic or am I not? I've been through the whole gamut, communion, confirmation, etc. But, since my dad's death in 2007, it hasn't been about whether or not I was Catholic. It's been about whether or not I actually believe.
I have crosses, bibles, rosaries even some Holy Water (somewhere). But, it's been hard. As if my father's death doesn't plague me enough seeing as we were never able to make amends, the constant trying and trying to get pregnant with no success has really been draining.
Several times I have called my mother and expressed my feelings toward religion and belief. She has always listened and end the end told me to just pray. He answers things in his own time. Trust me, I get it. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this. But, if it's patience He's trying to teach us, I gotta say... I really can't get too much more patient. Your patience wears REALLY thin when everyone around you has already had a baby. We love our friends and family and everyone's babies. But, we don't want to be the couple that everyone feels sorry for.
OK, I'm done rambling... I haven't been to church in years. Except for the random baptism or wedding here and there. I still remember everything. The prayers, the motions and the requirements. I've been toying with going back. Rick really isn't super comfortable in a Catholic church as his family is Methodist, but it is my goal to raise our children Catholic. Plus, I don't want a long drive to a Methodist church that I feel comfortable in. So I informed Rick tonight that we (or I) would be going to 10 am mass this Sunday.
I feel like I need to go back to my roots. I feel like I've been lost for so long that maybe this is what He has been trying to tell me. Maybe he wants me to come back so we have that relationship again. I need to feel the closeness with Him through this process. Our IVF is so important to me. To us. It's our last resort. Our final hope. And we're placing it all in Him.